Most probably you will be reading this, cause you are the only one i allowed to read my private blog. Have been a long time i didn't post anything here, i have nothing to write. Come on, since when you will see me running out of issue to blog when i was with you right? So indirectly you know how am I now, don't you?
I am so surprise that you will email me those, I am happy, between sad too. Happy in the sense that, I am still in your mind, sad that is, I located in your heart, but no commitment, no intimacy, no passion, no love. I am getting use to it, I don't know what to do.Instead of being sad, why can't I live happily?
I am so proud of our relationship now, when I tell people, I have gave you up, and started to be like a best friend with you, people thought I am lying. I am so tired explaining to them that I am ok, so I will just tell them, I know what I am thinking, what I am now. Macam the old alan, he doesn't care how people look at him, he will just do things the way he wants. As long as he knows what he is doing, he need not to explain to others and ask them to trust him. Even his gf, for instance, the last time me!I struggle very hard to trust you, and you got me. you don't explain things to make me trust you, you will just leave things for me to choose whether to trust it or not. Which i think that is a very good way to manipulate people.
I wish to call you Bee, but I don't know if i have the chance in the future. Asking you to break the promise, because I don't want both of us to get hurt, this is the way to defense ourself from being hurt, it is the best way isn't ? Breaking the promise, doesn't mean that we have no chance, or if we have it, depends what we gonna be in the future. That is why I am asking you to do so. You got what i am trying to say don't you? You are smart, always.
Ya, jerk, bastard!That is what I always use to name you, that is the moment i hate you!But now i think we both are cool don't we? Once i listen to Gwen stefani song's- cool!i think of you, and your gf, and me, hanging out together. Once i listen to the song-4 in the morning, i thought of you, we fought, and that was the time I on my way to kl. you scold me i gone crazy, drop me at bus station and just left, I waited bus alone for hours because no ticket. Too many songs on my head, which i will always relate them to you. Oasis-don't look back in anger, stand by me.....wakau!the most i remember, home-----when we were on our way to butterworth.wakau, too many memories to keep. I want to write it all down, I don't wanna forget it. I wanna keep all in my life diary.
Oh dear, is that what we missed? memories or love? That is what i struggle the most, to choose how to let things go. I love hard, may not love right. so do you! But i wish i love right, i can't figure it out still. But memories play a big role,which confuse us is that about love or it is not right? You will be cool, I don't know why am i being so optimistic now. I thought i am not!And I don't know what am I talking. it is hard for me to type all these, I got to be rational!instead of falling apart again!I know i can't fall.
HeRmmm....I don't know if you can see this not, the gallery of our pic, If you have any, send it to me k?http://www.kodakgallery.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?&collid=69444691312.22132206412.1193157095850&page=1&sort_order=0&navfolderid=0&folderid=0&ownerid=0
Read it, i don't wanna send it to your mail, is just a thought from me, you can choose not to read. but if you did, leave a comment k?let me know you know what is in my thought, what am i trying to say.Take care bee!
With love,
-nic-