Crazy! I need something to clear it! guaranty me, warranty me!

I don't know how to talk to you, are we having communication problem? You don't listen, you listen to those that are bad, and you don't listen to explanation. You tell me what you want, what can't you be direct? Need to turn a big round to tell me shut my mouth and stop telling things to other ? You feel good by not talking to me, and whenever you don't feel like talking to me, you don't talk. Do you ever think for me? Why judge me as in I'm a prisoner? Why don't give a chance or a right for me to have myself? 

I wonder, can we keep this relationship? You don't talk much in phone, for whatever question I ask, you will think that it is inappropriate. What do you expect me to think that, we will have faith in each other? I don't know! Don't tell me these things will never led to bad relationship. Where feeling will fade away... I'm worried! Am I worry for nothing? Because this is the fact? I really going crazy! Looking at you, feeling to hold you tight. But, you will just going far away.....are you?

Losing myself, losing my head!

Back with you, seriously have a great time when we both were back in Taiping. Those feeling are still fresh in mind, staying in your house, lepak at night. I do miss it. 

I guess I have some mental problem, whenever I stay with other people, I don't feel that I belong to the place. Same goes to last time when I was with shy's mom, with my aunty, and now with my sister. Asking for their help will definitely my last choice. When they reject, I will gone crazy. That sounds crazy too. True, I don't feel grateful for what I have, I will always complain, and I will never appreciate it. I just want to go out for few hours piano practicing, but I have to go out for the whole day, early morning follow Ah Mo just to get the car. That's why I find something else to do while waiting to fetch her after the piano practice. Went to SP's house lepak. After that plan to go to Sri Petalling Pasar Malam. 

Yeah, is my fault that I ask you along during the day, end up I did not plan to pick you up. My management problem, and I'm so lazy to explain. I don't know why, for what so ever I said, I feel like it's all excuses, you will never listen too. Why can't you be understanding and realize and figure out the whole situation? Is far to pick you up since I have no car. Initially I thought I'll be taking the Kelisa after sending Ah Mo home. But she has choir meeting and she just inform me in sudden. 

I'm trying my best to meet you up. To listen to what happen to your day, your very first day training. And you just say you don't want to see me, ask me to shut up, stop asking. Alright, your ego-ness, is same with prem k? I can't share what is happen between we both to anyone. Alright, maybe I shouldn't tell sp anything about us. I will shut up. You don't want people to know about it. Then I listen to you. Do you hear me? that's the way you talk isn't? I wonder how long I can stand with these tunes. The way you talk to me.

Whenever it comes to argument, I will have this thought that we will break up, this is the thing forever in my mind, my head. And it is always the way we break up. It is a phobia to me. I will never want it to happen. Should I learn a better way to look at things? How should I deal with you, I guess I really need to find it out. We just got back within a week, fighting all coming.... I'm sick of it. I'm tired of asking for forgiveness, even sometimes, I will start loosing myself when asking for forgiveness. I realized, asking forgiveness from you is harder than anyone else. But over big problems, those that I know I should say sorry, you will forgive me easily. Touch wood! Did I ever get mad and need you to apologize to me? I don't remember is there any. Am I too understanding? Or I try to balance myself and think in your situation? Can you do that for me? I wonder!! 

I really hope to hear you, share your experience with me, why everything turns up to be in this way? And that is why i throw my tantrum towards my sis last night. I need to find myself. started to think that I do not belong to any place. And I don't know why am I thinking in such a way. Talking to you, help me nothing. You are not showing any concern. I need to find myself again and start thinking, I'm silly to think in such a way? Fuck my life! I don't know what to appreciate! I really start hating myself. And I don't know who I should turn to... Obviously, you should be the right person, but.....

Don't know, thousand of don't know!

Finally, exam finished. I thought I will have a great time, with you. Seriously, after reading the email you sent, you gave me hope, but yesterday you told me, you are still confuse over yourself. My mood totally gone, the feeling of pain, those heartache, undescribeable! I don't know what I can talk to you. But last night, we talked alot.

I hate you, you told me you have learned to love some one, learned to do things for the girl. Do you really think you are? I'm not trying to say, I know how to love, frankly, not everyone knows how to love a person. Loving a person, you will never take her for granted. You will willing to satisfy her, don't let her feel down, or unhappy. Do you? You are taking good care for yourself, just only your own self. Do you know that your pride, exceed the limit for you on saying I love you? You don't mean it, although you think you are, you are not! speech less, dilemma, i don't know what to describe my feeling. Words in my head, but i can't express it out. Should let go? Can hold you back?

Lovely you!sweetly you!

Dear Sun Siew Din,

 

            Hello babe. It's been a long time huh? It's like forever. 8 months without each other, going our on way, doing our own stuffs, dealing with our feelings and emotions, trying to be tough and keep on looking forward. I have been thinking. For a very long time, really long time until I choose to meet you. Actually, I have no reason not to meet you; I want to meet you for so long. Every time I am out somewhere, how much I wish I will just bump into you and say hi; and that never happen before.

 

            Anyway, back to business. Read the book. How can I connect the book with what I have in mind? 8 months to go, right? The time is short. That's how I will put it. The book, "An hour to live, an hour to love". If I have one more hour to live, what would I say? And to who? I suppose that is how I would live with you for the whole time. Live it like there is no tomorrow, how's that? I guess it would be just the thing. You have made me realize something. I love you and that will never change. You have let me know that I already did survive without you and we still have the feeling for each other. I know 2 years is just a blink. And I don't know why I believed myself that I can't be far away from you. I just don't want to accept the fact that I can live my life too without you; of course, it will be less life here for me.

 

            Sweetie, if I can say anything right now, I will tell you that I am sorry. Sorry for the things that I have done. Sorry that you have to go through so many things. Sorry that I am so stubborn and never have realized how sweet and lovely you are when you are with me and to realize it when you are not here. Sorry that I have failed you and never kept what I have said. Sorry that I never put you first in my priority list and never bother what is troubling you. Sorry that I never gives my best to you and always keep on complaining. Sorry that I never listened to you and appreciate you all the time. Sorry that I have hurt you and never loved you enough. Sorry that I have abandoned you. Sorry that I never learn to appreciate you. Please forgive me for all the things I have done.

 

            I am afraid that you will regret being with me again. Do you really want me? Because I do and it's my pleasure to have you by my side, u know that? I love you. And, I am sorry for giving you this right now. Sorry. And good luck for your exam.

 

 

Love,

Alan.

原谅？

其实想回头，你不是说过会恨我的吗？

你说过不允许我和你的朋友在一起，先在呢？

我真的很感谢你，宽容的心胸， 包容了我！

我不是该得到惩罚的吗？

你说包容我是最容易的事， 那是真的吗？

希望你不回改变， 好吗？

真的希望你告诉我，你不想要了。 

因为我会很难接受以后将面临的一切。

没信心！你能给我吗？还是我得克服我自己？

没好的结果？美好的结果？

终于和你见面了， 好像没什的。

其实见面的目的， 就是把话说清楚。

本想告诉你， 我们就做回朋友。

不是敌人， 是有联络的朋友。

我怀念和你谈天的感觉， 

很舒服， 虽然你总是气我，

我就是喜欢这样的你。

我问你，为何要分手？

你说，因为一时接受不了我的离去，

那，为何又回来了？

因为放不下！

不知为何我又回心转意，想和你继续下去，可是.....

刚刚和alex 谈了，看见他，好像对他的她， 没了信心。

他都不再埋怨， 可能是都不知该埋怨什了吧？

那我和你呢？

分分合合， 都有无数次了，你我都应该累了吧？

但如果你我对对方都没感觉， 我们都不会重蹈复撤那多遍吧？

我可真没开大我的脑袋去想， 我们能吗？

分隔两地的爱情，真的能持久吗？

我的家人，不会拒绝吗？

这倒不是问题，我的幸福， 都应是我去找嘛，对不？

但我可不想闹得天慌地乱，谁要呢？

你说你会去想， 我都会尊敬你的决定，

况且， 我可没有勇气去拒绝你。

我害怕后悔！以前是，现在也是。

无论如何， 都是没好的结果吧？

Fuck me uP high!MOODY!

What a feeling?! No idea what kind of feeling, yeah, meeting you up tonight. Suppose whenever we met in this situation, we both will surely back together. But now, I don't think we are playing the same game are we? What I want to tell you?
I don't even know what I wanna say, now whole mind blank, suppose I should have a speech in mind to speak it out to u!
And now? LOL me!Fuck me up high, so that I can fly!

Loneliness lead to these? I should not find LCH, I should not find you back, indeed, i should learn to get use to single life. I don't feel good when you do not find me, but I don't feel good when you find me. A movie on thursday? Is not a problem isn't? I don't think we should back together, I should not give you that hope. But after all, I knew it, you have hope that we both will have chance. Am I selfish? I know I am. Can't be lonely? and I can't take it when you do not want to talk to me, and when you did, i will start taking you for granted.

ALAN LEE CHEA LOON! I do miss you, those feeling is still the same. started to message you, the way you talk to me, I will still smile when reading it. You are selfish, really selfish. When I told you, I don't know what you really want. I am seriously losing faith. But, you tell me you are not. and you can't go soft on me. What does that mean? If I go through it, You will have me in your arm. If I don't, you do not seems like you are craving for me. got ma got la, none ma none la! that is you! and you told me see how we look at things. our perception! you are over protecting, to yourself. 

Happy to see the msg you sent this morning, at least you realize you are selfish, you realize you hurt me don't you? do you know when you do not grab the opportunity, it will just flow away. When that is the time, you will start to regret. 

"After reading ur msg again, i realize that i am selfish! really selfish..I built a layer of protection!2 protect myself from you, a layer that not 2 get hurt,its hard to let go, n not easy to hold you back with me! forgiving u was easiest! after all, im nt even mad..I just want to c that i can hold u and not feeling betrayed!U understand me? I just cant open up myself fully 2 u yet, not now. its not easy 2 gain someone's trust.. do you believe in karma?i think i do!"

I know it is hard to gain trust, especially to make you trust me once more, I don't even know what to do to make you trust me once more, towards u, i need to put double effort to gain your trust. too protective until u will hardly believe in things i said, I know it. even now, i don't think we should get back together, i m not sure am i losing u for now? or for the future. what we can do, is to wait until we both are stable, i'm back from US. and you have your career on! if that the moment we both are still single, we can seriously get marry don't we? thinking too far! ? are u my mr right? and am i your ms right? this the moment we challenge ourself don't we? will you just meet me for the one last time? at least to be back friend and go for a movie? haK! impossible for you isn't? I don't put much hope neither!