Dear aL, I don't know which email you are actually using, so i send both. It depends on you to read it or not. I mean, I just have the feeling to speak all out!Since the day you left, we changed. Our relationship changed. My character changed! I don't fucking care about love, don't fucking know what is love to me any more. Ya, fuck around, that is the word suits this case. You taught me to love, i appreciate you really a lot. Even till the extend that I will just try my best to keep our relationship no matter how. But now situation changed, I don't know how to keep the relationship anymore. Why I fall to your friend? He just give me hope. Although is fake hope(which i don't really care), but still hope. A person said he will just follow me to US, that is the word I wanna hear it from your mouth. Not we will see what happen it the next two years, hand in to GOD, break up for now. It is hurt enough to break up once, but our case? break up more than THOUSAND times! and get back together and off and on......Be frank, i still can't get rid of you.. You used to be my everything, I can seriously tell you that, you are my everything. Our memories, I missed it too much, sometimes i will just refresh it, and i started to drop tears, to smile to myself. I screwed it up. I am FUCKING regret, guilt!and i don't know what i was doing! I am bitch, you can say it! I admit it! I don't even know how to face everyone, sorry that i made you feel the same way. There is nothing i can do now, all to blame was my first move before everything goes to the worst scenario. I don't know how to face the boy friend i have, i keep seeing you in every action he is doing. and now i realise how you felt when you were with hui yen, guess is that feeling. I thought you lied whereby, no feeling how to be with her? but now i can understand. I be with him is for companionship. the feeling? you knew it! I know you hate me a lot, just go ahead, guess that will be the better way for us to forget each one! But i just choose the wrong way to make you hate me!I still telling ppl, you are the one i love the most, the one i will only love. but now it turns on to be no value by saying it anymore. when ppl asked, did alan admit to u he steal the money? our form 5 incident?I tell them, i dare not to ask him, cause i don't wanna know the answer. even though if i ask you, you will still deny it! which i know the truth. i should trust you! but how do you feel?everyone knew it! i still tell them, i don't care about it! everyone has this thought, you are the bad guy. But i don't know what is the reason that make me love u that much, where i can just forget it and be with you. But now, when we broke up, i told myself, i will try my best not to fall back to you anymore! my family hates you. and what you want me to do? If i would have the chance to start over, i will never want to be with you to hurt my family. When some one is clear in mind, he/she knows what he/she needs. love is blind, it blinded me for ages that i don't care what my family think of u. I thank you for leaving me, to be firm in the decision you had made last august. you wanna break up, even when i beg you to be back with me, i feel like i got fool by you. fuck with no feeling? i still remember that night! and now you need not to come back to me, stick back where we stop. i really thank you for making the decison, come back after 2 years from us, then we might cont our relationship. although it is hard for me to accept the fact, i hate this solution. but this is the only solution, the hardest solution, you made it for us. I want to really start a new life, brand new life without you. eventhough i have the chance to come back to malaysia, i will choose not to come back. I know im selfish, spoit your friendship? and now come and tell you these. I m selfish, i know i am....but i really hope that you will understand me, how much i really need you by my side, but it just can't happend. i just can't stop crying right now! those hatred, those love, just combine together. that is what we call love? i seriously wish i can turn back time, not giving you up. not letting you to give me up. but now, i had made you gave me up. isnt it good? hate me to the max, you and me, stories END
-N-