"If you are the one fail to go US, I will be the most happiest guy in the world!"
Ouch!It is so sweet to hear that!
Happy birthday to you! Haih. every time writing blog with the same unsolved problem.It is tiring right?I am tired writing the same thing. Well, sometimes it seems so sweet when we both chatting, and you are so sweet to say sweet word. Although is not what good thing, at least I feel comfortable with it. Or maybe you are just lying. Who knows?
Do people say I love you truthfully?Haha, sigh!Why i keep creating these stupid Questions?Why keep making myself thinking of you? Why always dreamt about you? Sigh, I should let you go, take you as friend only.... I am now.I am getting use to it, like what I am now with you!We will be good I think....Lose trust also will be good, can't keep promise also must be good, pretending also can be good.....Right?
Finish Psychology paper today, sigh, now I realize coursework is so important, sigh!I can't score well, 40% final, how much I can get?Blah everything, but I don't know is it all relavant!Hopefully i can score....I don't wish to get CPGA 2.3....I want higher!Bless me!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
I ain't that alright!
I realize something now, feeling so different whenever looking at his pic.
He seems like a stranger for me, how close we both used to be, not an inch, but now back to square 1.
Who will understand my feeling? I don't think it is right to email him telling him all these.
Useless, helpless, nothing much can do.
Pretending, hate pretend to be like nothing, sometimes, distraction helps alot.
Distract me from thinking him, seeing him. It could probably makes me feel nothing.
Yet, it can't hold on. pretend to be nice to him? be good to him? be polite to him? mad yet i need to act like nothing? angry for things he said but I have to take those as a joke? telling haha, or ekek or jk?
can't see him with those around him. Humiliating me! Serious, yet, what can I do?pretend to be good, that is what I can do isn't?
With those word, those message, those testi he wrote, and he told me he is not really in love. How to believe? I guess I need not to believe him either. It is all over isn't? Those he said, I can take it as blah blah blah!
Or him want to tell me, he is pretending to be in love?LOL!I can't convince myself to believe these, those promises he made no longer exist! gone !FaithleSsssssss....What I can do is just let it all sway away!Am i right am i right?
No guys can be trusted!
yup, you are the only one i allowed you to read my post, but i am not purposely write this to you. Don't read it!
fundamental attribution error! can i apply it here?
Don't judge book by its cover, true!
Whatever things you see, you listen, do not give you the real story behind.
Why do you wanna get so upset when things are not the way you want it?
Why do you wanna get so freak out when you see something you belongs no longer yours?
Why do you wanna get to piss off when you see people having their happy pictures around without you?
Not just personalities, the enviroments~~~It might not like the way you think.
Humanistic approach!People will try to gain self-actualization, and give others the thought that they are in the good condition.Yet, it could be a lie!
That I will be good!Even if I am nothing!
是什么理由可以让我继续守着我们的承诺?
是什么理由可以让我继续怀念我们的过去呢?
你不曾记得我们的一切,好像很奇怪的感 觉。
当局者迷，很有道理。
不和你在一 起，我看得更多，看得更开，不是好事吗?
从你的背阴，我看到我不想要的男生，
也看到我希望有的男生。
为有把思念当做乐趣，怀念当做享受，
从中学习，一切会更美好。
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
For you, alonso!
Most probably you will be reading this, cause you are the only one i allowed to read my private blog. Have been a long time i didn't post anything here, i have nothing to write. Come on, since when you will see me running out of issue to blog when i was with you right? So indirectly you know how am I now, don't you?
I am so surprise that you will email me those, I am happy, between sad too. Happy in the sense that, I am still in your mind, sad that is, I located in your heart, but no commitment, no intimacy, no passion, no love. I am getting use to it, I don't know what to do.Instead of being sad, why can't I live happily?
I am so proud of our relationship now, when I tell people, I have gave you up, and started to be like a best friend with you, people thought I am lying. I am so tired explaining to them that I am ok, so I will just tell them, I know what I am thinking, what I am now. Macam the old alan, he doesn't care how people look at him, he will just do things the way he wants. As long as he knows what he is doing, he need not to explain to others and ask them to trust him. Even his gf, for instance, the last time me!I struggle very hard to trust you, and you got me. you don't explain things to make me trust you, you will just leave things for me to choose whether to trust it or not. Which i think that is a very good way to manipulate people.
I wish to call you Bee, but I don't know if i have the chance in the future. Asking you to break the promise, because I don't want both of us to get hurt, this is the way to defense ourself from being hurt, it is the best way isn't ? Breaking the promise, doesn't mean that we have no chance, or if we have it, depends what we gonna be in the future. That is why I am asking you to do so. You got what i am trying to say don't you? You are smart, always.
Ya, jerk, bastard!That is what I always use to name you, that is the moment i hate you!But now i think we both are cool don't we? Once i listen to Gwen stefani song's- cool!i think of you, and your gf, and me, hanging out together. Once i listen to the song-4 in the morning, i thought of you, we fought, and that was the time I on my way to kl. you scold me i gone crazy, drop me at bus station and just left, I waited bus alone for hours because no ticket. Too many songs on my head, which i will always relate them to you. Oasis-don't look back in anger, stand by me.....wakau!the most i remember, home-----when we were on our way to butterworth.wakau, too many memories to keep. I want to write it all down, I don't wanna forget it. I wanna keep all in my life diary.
Oh dear, is that what we missed? memories or love? That is what i struggle the most, to choose how to let things go. I love hard, may not love right. so do you! But i wish i love right, i can't figure it out still. But memories play a big role,which confuse us is that about love or it is not right? You will be cool, I don't know why am i being so optimistic now. I thought i am not!And I don't know what am I talking. it is hard for me to type all these, I got to be rational!instead of falling apart again!I know i can't fall.
HeRmmm....I don't know if you can see this not, the gallery of our pic, If you have any, send it to me k?http://www.kodakgallery.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?&collid=69444691312.22132206412.1193157095850&page=1&sort_order=0&navfolderid=0&folderid=0&ownerid=0
Read it, i don't wanna send it to your mail, is just a thought from me, you can choose not to read. but if you did, leave a comment k?let me know you know what is in my thought, what am i trying to say.Take care bee!
With love,
-nic-
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
It just doesn't seems right!
Do people feel sad when they are taking picture with a smilling face? Do people mean things they said? Do people keep their promises when they force to make it? Do they really love their ex when they holding in arms is with someone else? Do they ask you to keep your promise before they keep theirs? I don't know what kind of feeling when I am talking to you, I mean email-ing. It seems so right? So logic? So I can take it? So understanding I am? I was like missing the feeling of having you? Or missing the feeling of your appearance? I don't know if I am actually taking hard to let you go because of memories, or because of I still love you? Can people being so cool when seeing the one they love holding another one? I don't know why I seems like, I am not jealous, and I still hoping to get you back. But once I have let you go, I will not turn back, because you are a sucks guy to my family.Even you will be a sucks jerk when you are with me....What is the purpose? And i don't know why am I telling you that I will still keep my promise, i hope things change as in you will be a better one. And i don't know if I can take you as who you were after years, that is true....You love me, yet you wanna hurt me in this way~Show me you love me by not touching any girls, then I think I will keep you as my darling forever~I gave up!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I will not fall apart again!
Finally, I have sent you an email, I don't know what I am thinking is good or bad, to get rid for the feeling of missing you, I should learn to accept the who you gonna be, I prefer to understand you, knowing how are you getting on with the new life, rather than getting news from others. Didn't expect that you still remember the promise we both have made, I feel like crying, I don't know isn't working or not, the feeling is like, I am giving away something that is not 100% coming back to me, and you are asking me to keep the promise. What if everything changed?Human are selfish aren't they? They learned to protect themselves from being hurt, like you. What you did was just protecting yourself.It makes no difference. I know there are no more chances between us, and I will not giving us any. I got to....I don't know. Once I let you go, I know I am forever losing you. No point asking you back anymore. I can't take it as in you are fucking around with others, if you really want me back, this is not a barrier for us. But you have already choose it, no more return. Hope that you will be good, in turns, should be I have to be good. Seems like I am the one not living good. I dreamt about you anyway, guess is because I think of you too often, have to stop it.I have to take you just only friend, nothing beyond than this!
Poor English, how to improve it??!???!???My grammar messing here and there!FUCK!I don't know what happened, will I fail my ENL?holly shit!That will be the most horrific thing happen to me if I really fail it!
Friday, October 5, 2007
Who moved my cheese?
It is so happen that I did read this book with the weird title,"who moved my cheese?" I don't know why I like this book so much, where I managed to read it within an hour, I kinda finish it and get to know what this book's all about.Change, everyone must know to change to be a better person,so do I!Don't be afraid changes around you, if you don't change when everything is changing, you will not know things around you are improving or vice-versa.The earlier you get away the old cheese, the sooner you will get the new cheese. I like this sentence, it gave me a lot of inspiration to improve myself.
I am kinda down right now, getting up set because of my ENL assignment, a lot mistake made, I don't know since when I became so weak in english, or maybe I did not improved in the past.How to enhance it? I must succeed in my studies, I shouldn't become so bad. I know I am getting so bad right now. Give me the strenght to do the good ones, and against the bad ones.Weekend, I love it, where I know I will not sleep so early, and I enjoy doing my things slowly. Must study my dear~You are dropping!Must maintain good one!Fear!!!Certain fear is good, which it will help you to find changes instead of standing at the same place, move on with new life. I know I am, I just don't know which way I am heading to. If fail, learn from mistake and walk again!Although it sounds so.....Dramatic, but it is true!Move on Move on!