Alienated!

Feeling like I am some one that is alienated from the crowd.Or I don't really join them?Here's the thing, people in coll found their friends to hang out with, and I don't.What is the reason?Guess I am the one choosing to avoid them.Didn't join them in activities.....I guess this is the reason!

New semester, can't I be a little more active?Don't be such a paranoid!

I am naive, childish, and brainless!

This would be the day I forget everything about you!No msn, no friendster, no facebook, no phone no!

You are totally gone in my life!WIll never look back!

I guess sometimes break up couple can't be friend, this is the reason!

I am too fussy!annoying!I knew it!

Stand up!

Leaving on the jet plane!

Dreamt about you?do you think that your six sense is that good?Hell yeah no!That is good to be bad!AhHhhh....Trying to make conversation with him huh?Hell NO!I don't need to do that!Is just I don't feel good when I thought things that brought to my dream is threathening me!For sure I hope you are nothing!So what?When again you know that I dreamt about you?ahah!
Here rene!I don't know what kind of feeling I have when looking at you leaving to US.What I have feeling in is because after a year, I will be like you.I don't know how would it be?I like it or I don't....How I wish tomorrow I am the one leaving.....ErM...Perhaps not really!HarHh....Hate the feeling of leaving actually.New place to addapt.Guess I am always the one hardly to addapt to new places....new people!Bless rene!Got to tell me what It is all about US!And, one thing, I have no one to call, to ask how to take bus to where and where!Haha!

Silly motion!

You know what?I always expecting to see you in msn, everytime I on my msn, your nick will be the first for me to check, whether are you online-ing or not.Check your display message how have you been....Guess a little to silly to do all these. But the probelm is, I don't expect to be with you anymore, guess if got second chance, I will choose not to love you, i hope i did not even start to love you in my life.I don't know why I wanna talk to you so badly, yet we both have nothing much to say.I scare if i push too hard, nothing good will happen, guess the bad ones will come. Feeling so hard to act this way, act as if i don't care, but still acting normal to talk to you. I am getting over you, i did didnt i?i have already!I trust myself for that!the problem is, the more i talk to you, the more i feel that you are so cool, too cool....as what you were last time, last time i have faith in you so i trust you,now i am not.no more!
Silly motions!I ain't gonna do it again!

Tell me the reason!!!

Why we both keep letting each one to guess how we feel about each other?
I don't know what kind of weird feeling is this.
Seems undescribeable feeling, makes me feel like we both are so far away right now.
If you say that's me, I don't know what answer I should give you.
Does it help anyway?I feel happy?Feel secure?Not even a little.
I asked it, I expect you won't give me any answer.
You are always the one that can't give me the real and specific answer.
instead of "If I say is you?".Why don't you say:"I mean you!"
Why you still keep protecting yourself?
Am i the one that can't be trusted anymore?
If i mean anything to you, i guess i have a better "position" in your heart.
If i mean anything to you, i guess i need no words from you to comfort me.
Which i will ensure that you are right here waiting for me.
Yet, someone who keep protecting themselves cover themself too much,
they do not let other to know what they are thinking!
I tell you everything, did you share yours?I wonder!

"I need you"
It wouldn't be anything about me anymore isn't?

Life means nothing?

At the age of 88, will you still wish to stay in this world? You are sick, you are alone, nothing much you can do when you staying at home, you don't talk to anyone, you will just keep calling your young grandchild to do things your way! But now, you don't even have the strength to talk to anyone, no energy to shout for your grandchild, not even standing on your own feet.Do you still wish to be alive?

Looking at my grandma, she is sick, real sick, getting old!I knew it!My tears kept dropping when i saw her, it was so different from the last time i saw her.She looks skinny, i can see her bone, just like a skeleton...OMG!I can't imagine that a person can be so weak condition in just 3 months times.That was the last time i've seen her....She can still talk, she can still understand.But now, hardly!

I don't know what we can do for her, wonder if i stay with her in this few months, will she gets well? The doctor said, this is old man sickness, can't cure, malfunction of her kidney, diabetics, can't do much except eating medicine. Ah ma keep saying:"why ppl sick eat medicine can cure, why can't i?". I don't know how to answer her. She makes me feel like she is a kid now. Always merajuk!Sometimes cute, but looking back, I don't wish I am her.

I love her, she is the one taking care of me when mummy was in US. Mummy loves her too, but she can't come back, once she is back, she can't get into US anymore. Furthermore, I can't continue my studies also....Hope ah ma will understand.I do start praying for ah ma, hopefully god will answer my prayer. I know nth much we can do now, yet, may ah ma have a peaceful heart to accept everything, hope she does not afraid, hope she can hold on!

I don't know is it bad to say this, I hope that she doesn't suffer.Not even a little.....Bless you maa...!

Mission

1. At the age of 20-Be smart in studies.....nothing much but US-ma dream!
2. At the age of 24-must graduate from university!Work work work!
3. At the age of 26-I must own a car!Nice car!Not kelisa!
4. At the age of 29-i must own a house!
5. At the age of 30-Is time to get marry.Where is my Mr right??I want ABC!

Saving saving saving!!!Start saving by today!I must not be spendrift!I wanna be a millionaire!I wanna marry a husband who is rich yet love me....Not the one who will find the second wife, not the one who will be at the age of 60 when i am 29.I wanna know ways to enjoy life!Travel to places i love with ma lover!Own a house with my own design!i want someone who knows wine!I want someone who knows to enjoy life as well.I want that life!Give the best to my parents!My best to everyone i love!

I must i must i must!

Our storiessssss

wow....i guess i will spend a long time writing this blog.Hopefully i can mark down everything. everything that happended between we both in the past few months, then i will stop writing things about us anymore!Moving forward!I got to....
I keep thinking things about us, i don't know what is the reason I keep looking back.hate myself, even though in singapore, my mind just can't stop thinking things we had. Careen told me about her long distance relationship with her boy from kl, I don't give any support for her relationship, keep looking bad on her. I guess is a phobia, is a kinda phobia.Which things that do not work for me, I will take that as things that do not work for everyone.
our first day back together, 13th oct 2006.Is been a year losing contact with you, i can't imagine that we will have that chance. I remember you were still working in that what company d?erm...syn!ya!and u were determine kau kau!remember we took a pic in the car, haha...i still keeping it!following you to penang, i was rebellious.just go places i wanna go without informing anyone.is that good?haK!!!
i remember you tell me to study smart not hard before my exam, you draw it on my back.draw a sunflowers, draw "inna" on my hand.which you did it to hui yen as well...hehe!I knew i after my final paper, i straight to pg to find u, shareen fetch me to your place, you were not at home, left me a letter, telling me sweet things....telling me to wait u come back on that night, just to make conversation about our future. How to face my family....
You bought me to a sea side....konon sea side!sneak into the hotel beach side, carrying me to water and wanna dump me in....haK!!!Good!I miss it miss u very much.I was there in pg for few days....don't wish to come back also...haha!
Miss those moment you bring me to sega minum wine, i was drunk...how dare you!treat me in that way, not carrying but pull me on the road....fucker!haha!spash water on my face, ice water....draw my face with my eyeliner!i will remember that!pull me to bathroom and throw me there....asked shareen to spash water together....damn it!I wanna revenge!we still f*** that night....wah lau!i remember you asked me, whether if i still want it when i am drunk.....*laughing*
Hmm.....is january 2007.well, i was working at snk sunway.I remember you came here and visit me, haha.That was really a big shock when i saw a familiar face sitting right infront of my shop, eating baskin robins.....Ouch!Sweet*when you told me u were still on your way, yet u were there looking at me for a while d.N i didn't realise!I was really happy when u make your move to kl and find me.I accompanying you to your syn talk that night, and we cant go home cause it was late, we rent a room in the hotel....the first and the last time in the hotel.
I remember the CNY, that was the most "not CNY" in my life.I don't spend time with family,but with your family....That was damn weird!Staying with you the whole holiday before i back to work. went and visit your relatives instead of mine. We went batu kurau.*spell right*?seeing your uncle....
That was the time i kept asking you, if i fight with my family just to go with u, will you stand by me? if they refuse to give me money, how how how?you told me u will sponser me for ur LB job....you told me you won't like me to depend on you, that is why you want me to stand on my own feet and earn for myself!I don't know what makes me so brave to go against them, and i went to pg and stay with you once i quit the job.
Damn nice staying in pg with you, that was the most wonderful time we had....Although we fought a lot. But we were happy weren't we? I miss it real much....Really really a lot now. We always go to cari makan.I wait you after class....looking at you when you were sleeping, waiting you to wake up to eat.now i rememeber, we once fought cause i waited you till i got gastric....got ppl merajuk, another one keep pujuk-ing....that was what happended to us.....makan-ing at pasar, "chu char", gurney la....sigh!always those places!
remember those big fight we always had....the "greatest" is the one in jati....shoutin at me infront of sun tar and a heng!i thought you will just slap me.then i went to clubbing, just to get over you!can't talk to you whenever we fight, you will always be the stone head, you won't listen, or you won't accept apology....I tried hard to make everything in peace, whenever we fought, i will always trying to settle things by saying sorry. and these will be the moment you asked, how truthfull your sorry is?i will got pissed of, don't know how to make you believe me....Yet, when you are the one suppose to say sorry, i don't make much noise, as long as you know you are wrong, i will try to accept the apology. sometimes you made me struggle a lot. cause i don't know how to settle fights with you!
you told me, you don't know why you will accept me, forgive me when i went clubbing, i went to drink, i was drunk!You spash water on me....then that night you hug me to sleep.....*tears drop*.you showed me how much you love me, you willling to forgive...i know i am rebellious, i am always the one saying break up!and ask you back.you gave me a lot chances, yet....this is the ending of our relationship.15th aug2007.not even a year....we can't hold it on!I don't think we can make it in the future.i appreciate you .... a lot!too much to write!I will cont....


To be continue.....

Good liqueur?!

When you drink, you get high, when you are high, you blah everything!I wonder if everything is truth, I am still the one choosing to believe it or not. Hate to dream about you, I don't wish to dream about you, heartache, I don't know how to describe those feeling, ya, hideous feeling....eventhough me myself also don't know what hideous feeling that makes me feel so bad.
I want to hold on, to you to everything....The relationship btw we both, I am still the one telling you everything, if someday after years? I stop telling you things that I told you now??Will you feel different?maybe saying that i've change?I getting fuck up in you in me in us!maybe it is good if we stop contacting each one, but i don't wish to lose you!suffering now better than i don't even get to know how are you getting along with your life....I am weird, always weird!I hate myself even more!I wish you to be really honest to me, really the one i am for you , the only one you in love wih, you were saying, "you want to know everything about me, wanna know if i am still in love with you, like you are to me....", you said:"you will always wait for me, right here waiting for me!" Do you remember what you were saying ?i bet you forgot!well, you are drunk wert!When you are gone, pieces of my heart are missing you....Wakau!this song just play in the background, suits my feeling huh?

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.