I don't know why I have nothing to write, I have a lot things to say, just doesn't feeling to say it anymore! letting it go!?! I Suppose!

Stand up!

Realize my blog is more to like emotional thingy! Cause I will only write it when I feel emo!
This fucker, is really a jerk! I should take a short time getting rid of him right?
I don't fucking feel like knowing anything about him!
Not like the last time, wish to just ring him or any!
Hatred! From love to hatred! Isn't hard to figure out what guy is thinking? Or just only this stupid one?
Fuck him with his new gf! IF he is a good man, he will have a great life then! Wish that He could have it!
I getting emo cause of him, I don't know what the fuck is he thinking!
Leaving him is the best choice that I've ever made!
Come on nicole! You just need to get through this thing!
Everything will be great! No one can help you, except yourself!

GROW IN THE DARK!!!

Growing in the dark?
You will only have the chance to look at it during XXX concert? XXX new years?
LOL! This....I made it!
Is from the chemistry laboratory..just for the sick of doing experiment, because it is asked to be done!
Chemistry! Chemistry of love, will it be that shinning? No idea, no faith!
I ain't gonna talk about love anymore! Listen first?zzz.....

Hey cutie....

Hey cutie....you really look cute. I wonder how you really look like.....the real you. OMG, since when I become like that? wow!

Don't ever think that you could change someone!

Don't over estimate yourself that you have the ability to change someone!
They are meant to be in their ways of living, therefore? UNCHANGEABLE!
Maybe I am too immature, as in, I thought what ever you promised, you will keep it.
But now seems like, you will be the last person in this world that I could ever trust !
This is the consequences of love? When you don't love, you will start to hate!?
I don't hate you, I am just disappointed. I guess, disappointment is worst than hatred?
I don't even feel like talking to you anymore, I don't even feel like seeing you hugging you nor kissing you.
Everyone has their limits, I guess I have already exceed mine.
Those hurting feelings were really bad, without you I don't feel down and upset.
With you I feel cheated and I am treated as a slave.
NICOLE! keep this in minD,
You suffer from leaving him now is better than you suffer if you marry him!
Life will get better without him, the sky is still bright and the sun will be always shining! I feel good!
MOVE ALONG!

With or without you, isn't the same?

I don't feel you anymore,

I don't see you anymore,

I don't love you anymore?

I don't feel that we are in relationship.

My problem?

This my brain, you can't do anything?

You don't see anything, cause you don't think there is anything?

I prefer single now, I don't want a boy friend now.

I wish I can just turn to you and say, good bye!

I hope I can just ignore you for my life,

I can't be your lovely gf anymore,

I can't be the right one for you anymore....

No more!!!!

Forgive me that I can't click with you!

Seriously can't tell you all about what I'm thinking! 

The more you ask, the more I feel hard to let things out!

I don't know why the relationship will become this way,

people can talk with their parents like friends, 

I don't!

People can tell them everything,

I won't!

WTF with I'm fatt lan za?

Ya!

Too bad that I throw the temper on you all.

Cause I don't know how to talk, 

I hate telling and explaining

I am tired of ensure-ing you all,

What am I doing,

Where am I!

Investigating me?

Damn you!!!!ShOooooOoo away!

Insane!

With or without you, isn't the same?

I can't believe that I shouted at you last night, I felt relief.

I complain too much? You had the point!

I like complaining, but no action to solve the problems. 

You don't like listening to me, because you feel fed up with all the problems around.

My sisters, you hate them.

However, they did nothing to you. You hate them still.

You don't want to listen to me. When I need someone beside, you are just not there for me.

Am I asking too much? I love you, I don't love your act. I like you, cause you know what you need and what you want.

If I'm the one that will fight for what I want, I will definitely can't be with you. 

Both of us will be stubborn head. 

You scolded me cause I waited you at your house without a car, scare that your impression will be bad if Keith's family saw it?

SELFISH!

I told you to fetch me home, I feel helpless! I want you to send me home, not others.

You said, sp should be the one who is responsible to send me home, but you are my bf.

Asking you to send me home is it that hard? 

I don't know what's your brain?? 

Now, I don't feel like talking to you, I don't wanna think, cause I don't know what I should do.

You love me, I know you do! But you are always taking me for granted, not appreciating me?

You told me you appreciate me. I don't see it!

You said things will work out fine, I don't know!

You told me to trust you! I'm not sure if i can do it again!

You don't complain, you hand things to faith. 

You know I'm leaving yet you still come back to me, you are betting.

You know I might leave you, you know that's the possibility that I will look for someone better!

Yet, you still betting !

I know how much afford you put on. I really feel the love here.

But, isn't that consider not enough? The thing I really need from you!

I don't know how to ask it from you.

Don't make me feel insecure! You are tired trying to secure me?

Or I'm asking too much?

Commitment!

The differences between guy and girl towards the prospect of COMMITMENT!

Some guys are selfish! AGREE PEOPLE?

They will only care about themselves. Not the other!

Not their gf's family, not their gf's friend, not their own friend, not their family either!

That's the way how they being brought up!

Guess mostly all girls are not like that are they?

They are feminine, they are caring animal in the earth!

They care about others, the family, the friends, the bf, the bf's family and the bf's friend!

But if this kind of guy and girl are together, will it be like a big contrast?

ONE is caring, ONE isn't! then? They fight! They can't communicate!

You don't talk, cause you don't know what to talk!

You scare when you talk, you will speak something bad!

I want to talk, cause if not I don't know what's in your mind!

Am I being too pushy? I think I am!

I am afraid of losing you!

I don't know why am I being so pushy? Scare things left out too long, feeling will go!

That is silly isn't? You worth nothing for me to love!

Pointing out your weakness is the easiest thing in the world!

If to say about your good one, limited !

Love is blind?

That is true isn't?

I have this feeling that I will break down in the future! because of you baby!

Loving you is the hardest thing in the world!

Loving someone that he will just love him self is the most challenging thing!

Loving someone that will never care about you is suffering!

I don't know how much do you care about me! I will never feel enough! Cause there are problems that we will somehow fight in the future!

I'm not sure am I mature enough!

I'm not sure are we mature enough!

I don't know will we break up in the future if one of us are fed up with each other!?!?

I don't know how are we gonna hold this on!

I love you!But I'm not sure I can love you for the rest of my life! 

Too much to worry about!

Too much to concern about!

Do we click?

I wonder!

Mental problem?

Am I thinking a lil too much?? 

I am getting crazy for thinking pessimistic!

He is nothing, he is not caring! He is not helping. 

Why I still want to behave like nothing in order not to lose him?

He don't show any concern, he don't show that he cares!

Why I still want to call him and act like I am good to him?

I suppose! We are not good? 

He don't call, he don't talk, he act cool!

Why I can take it still? I will get crazy won't me?

We have no future, I knew it! Cause, the way we deal things, way too many problems!

Someday in the future, I will break down, I will never care about it anymore!

He sense nothing? He don't know anything?

He didn't want to know anything!getting fed up!

He says he will do things for me! But he didn't!

He says he will never hung up my call, but he did!

He says reason to hang it up is to avoid something bad coming from his mouth, reasonable?!I suppose!

He stop talking about it when he can't think about it any more!

He avoid the conversation! He is too selfish!

He is protecting himself too much!

He don't know what is love!

He is not lovely !

He don't know how to love!

He is way too many problemS!!!!!Who cares?

Who give a fuck?

I don't feel good not good not good!!!!!!

Hide myself in a box! 

Alienated from the world! From everyone! Why am I so pessimistic??!??

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!

Sway away from you all!!!!!

I wish i could just run away from your house!

WTF with my life?

Ya, i don't feel enough? Or that isn't all i need?

I don't want credit card, I don't want US, I don't want you controlling me!

I want back my life! FUCKERS!all are fuckerS!!!

What's my age? 21? Still need people to guide me? Control me? come home! If you wanna stay out, stay away from my house! I wish I could! I wish that I don't need you guys anymore! I wish I could run away from this house! From this place where everyone is against me! Stopping me to do things I wanna do! If he is not alan? Do you think you will just let me do what ever I wanna do? Hell yeah! You have a limit! Go ahead! I don't need the limit! all these while there is no one care about my life, care about what I'm doing! Left me alone in my own world! I wish I am in my own world, that I could get rid of you all! Who will understand me? Who the hell I can talk to? Talk to alan? Talk to you all? Fuck away! I wanna live by my own! I don't need anyone ! now I don't want US!What if i just fuck it up? What if I just run away from this house? I am thinking! This is seriously on my head! That I wish I could do it! 

WTF with investigation?

Do I always make you feel that I am investigating you when I am asking you a question?
I am just curious over things, and I didnt always ask you about things like those you didn't wanna say.
You just getting pissed of when answering, and those questions are always some silly question for you!
So better shut my mouth off and don't ask right?
I am getting very very moody la! and I don't know why you get so piss off some time! maybe you are stress with your work or what so ever! hate the way you treat me when you are not in a good mood! You shouldn't treat me in a different way with your different mood!idiot!

Am I a little too slow??

Well, it has been a few times you told me you don't want me to email you, you took my address, and you asked why I stop writing you love letter?

Till last night only i realize, you were asking me for a love letter! hRmmMm, I should say, is time for me to write you a love letter! I was reading those paper you gave me, your words killed, and you are really a sweet guy. Those things you wrote when you asked me back, you asked me twice! IN 2 YEARS!LOL! you were saying sorry and feeling guilty each time you wrote it! Will it repeat again? I hope there is no more 3rd time! 

I keep thinking, what should I write! and what should I prepare for you! Maybe just a card, showing appreciation towards you! I do appreciate  that you want me back. We do have the chance to be back together! I do appreciate that you listen to me! you avoid fighting with me, and I can feel that! We both are starting to do something don't we? I hope it last! Listening to each other, that is most important! 

The saving thingy I told you, do you think you want it to happen? It is kinda sweet. You know, it is like a deal and a insurance for both of us. Do we actually need this to keep our relationship? Actually that isn't the only thing, it is a way to save money too. If we both are going to be together, I mean forever, we should have saving don't we? Those future things, I don't wanna think! All I appreciate, is to be with you right now! You will always be my baby!

Don't feel left out!

Sun Siew Din!!!!

Why You always easily feel left out?

Why you always easily get depressed?

Why you always blame others for what you are right now?

Why you always don't feel enough for things with you?

Why you always say that they don't love you?

Then you tell me, who loves you?

Alan?

ArHhh.... Papa mama kor kor jie jie all loving you!

Is the matter that!YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

When things are not the way you want it, you will start thinking that, they are trying to stop you!

When things you wish to be like is not where it is, you will start blaming everyone that, they are challenging you!

Where are you?

Where's yourself?

Stop using this brain to think silly ridiculous thingy!

And, where is your direction?

DO YOU LOVE WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?

What you should study, and is that the thing you should continue?

AND NOW THERE IS NO RETURN! you have to continue it, and do it !!!!

寻找自己！我在哪?

总是觉得我做任何事都是为了讨好你，

我是吗？。。。。渺茫！

我的去向， 到底是哪？

我总是很努力的做好自己， 

总是很勤劳的把自己的最好给你，

无论是多辛苦， 我都希望我不会埋怨。

但是， 你真的是太小气了。

是你特地想骂架 ， 还是你怎了？

我不知如何维持！

还是次我们骂架， 我都会崩溃的呢？

Demanding-love is blind!

I have this feeling, you started to be so demanding, and I'm starting to lose myself. I will do what you ask me to. For the sake of, don't fight anymore! Isn't that losing myself? I don't mind when you ask me stop talking to those guys who has the intention towards me last time, chee hou, jhunnie. malcolm la. what so ever! But aren't you trying too hard to ask for things? Not even a hie, that is ridiculous. I didn't fight it back, cause I am used to it! 

I don't mind when you are telling me these things. You are asking something from me, but, this is too demanding. I just worry about the future, I can't balance myself anymore. Sometimes I should have stand still for what I want. My right! Like you did. To protect yourself. You said you trust me, but not those people, this is silly you know? I can tell you, you don't trust me at all. If you do, you will never worry about these. 

You say you weren't mad. But the way you talk, I can sense that, one more word I say wrongly, you will burst! that is the mad! 

Love is blind? I can really listen to you like this? I am doubt! PLease tell me, you do listen to me?! I hope whatever I say, you will listen! 

Feeling to say!

Current condition: Sick Head! ArHh.... I hate flu ~~

Suppose to post a lot of new stuff here, but after few days, I have no idea what I want to say right now!

2nd MAY: Handicap people: Will you lend your hand when you see a handicap uncle, or what so ever, lying down by the road side, and asking for donation? What is your point of view over this issue? I don't know why I feel like talking about this thing. The other day, when I was on my way to KL sentral monorial station, I passed by a corridor, and I saw a handicap uncle, lying down at the road side, asking for money. Looking at him, I feel sorry. He has no leg, by right, he should be at some center which help these people, instead of asking for help in these places. Suppose, I should just pay him some money. But I didn't. A few ladies in front passed by this guy, and turn back with the hands in the bag, pulling out one bucks to put into his "cup". But I did nothing! Should I feel ashamed? I don't know what to help, since I'm not a wealthy person, I need financial support too... Who help me? help myself! Work! In school? I want it! trying!

3rd MAY: Well, nothing special. Pendek and WK, you and me, we went to MV to watch Iron man. 

4th MAY: This is the day that you said you don't want to come out, manatau, we went to this Air Terjun chemang, whatever! 

Told you I can't swim but you said just go lepak, and I don't really know where are we going.... Somehow, is some adventure thingy. At least we did something when we were in KL. Some memories to keep? LOL!

我。。。死了！

爱你真的很辛苦，

你怎麽那么自私，

那么霸道，

那么不讲理，

那么不通气，

那么大男人，

我该怎么办？

放弃？

我不想!

这是挑战！

克服？ 

我做不到， 很难！

告诉我， 爱情本该那样的痛苦的吗 ？

我快要崩溃了， 再也找不回我自己了！

Crazy! I need something to clear it! guaranty me, warranty me!

I don't know how to talk to you, are we having communication problem? You don't listen, you listen to those that are bad, and you don't listen to explanation. You tell me what you want, what can't you be direct? Need to turn a big round to tell me shut my mouth and stop telling things to other ? You feel good by not talking to me, and whenever you don't feel like talking to me, you don't talk. Do you ever think for me? Why judge me as in I'm a prisoner? Why don't give a chance or a right for me to have myself? 

I wonder, can we keep this relationship? You don't talk much in phone, for whatever question I ask, you will think that it is inappropriate. What do you expect me to think that, we will have faith in each other? I don't know! Don't tell me these things will never led to bad relationship. Where feeling will fade away... I'm worried! Am I worry for nothing? Because this is the fact? I really going crazy! Looking at you, feeling to hold you tight. But, you will just going far away.....are you?

Losing myself, losing my head!

Back with you, seriously have a great time when we both were back in Taiping. Those feeling are still fresh in mind, staying in your house, lepak at night. I do miss it. 

I guess I have some mental problem, whenever I stay with other people, I don't feel that I belong to the place. Same goes to last time when I was with shy's mom, with my aunty, and now with my sister. Asking for their help will definitely my last choice. When they reject, I will gone crazy. That sounds crazy too. True, I don't feel grateful for what I have, I will always complain, and I will never appreciate it. I just want to go out for few hours piano practicing, but I have to go out for the whole day, early morning follow Ah Mo just to get the car. That's why I find something else to do while waiting to fetch her after the piano practice. Went to SP's house lepak. After that plan to go to Sri Petalling Pasar Malam. 

Yeah, is my fault that I ask you along during the day, end up I did not plan to pick you up. My management problem, and I'm so lazy to explain. I don't know why, for what so ever I said, I feel like it's all excuses, you will never listen too. Why can't you be understanding and realize and figure out the whole situation? Is far to pick you up since I have no car. Initially I thought I'll be taking the Kelisa after sending Ah Mo home. But she has choir meeting and she just inform me in sudden. 

I'm trying my best to meet you up. To listen to what happen to your day, your very first day training. And you just say you don't want to see me, ask me to shut up, stop asking. Alright, your ego-ness, is same with prem k? I can't share what is happen between we both to anyone. Alright, maybe I shouldn't tell sp anything about us. I will shut up. You don't want people to know about it. Then I listen to you. Do you hear me? that's the way you talk isn't? I wonder how long I can stand with these tunes. The way you talk to me.

Whenever it comes to argument, I will have this thought that we will break up, this is the thing forever in my mind, my head. And it is always the way we break up. It is a phobia to me. I will never want it to happen. Should I learn a better way to look at things? How should I deal with you, I guess I really need to find it out. We just got back within a week, fighting all coming.... I'm sick of it. I'm tired of asking for forgiveness, even sometimes, I will start loosing myself when asking for forgiveness. I realized, asking forgiveness from you is harder than anyone else. But over big problems, those that I know I should say sorry, you will forgive me easily. Touch wood! Did I ever get mad and need you to apologize to me? I don't remember is there any. Am I too understanding? Or I try to balance myself and think in your situation? Can you do that for me? I wonder!! 

I really hope to hear you, share your experience with me, why everything turns up to be in this way? And that is why i throw my tantrum towards my sis last night. I need to find myself. started to think that I do not belong to any place. And I don't know why am I thinking in such a way. Talking to you, help me nothing. You are not showing any concern. I need to find myself again and start thinking, I'm silly to think in such a way? Fuck my life! I don't know what to appreciate! I really start hating myself. And I don't know who I should turn to... Obviously, you should be the right person, but.....

Don't know, thousand of don't know!

Finally, exam finished. I thought I will have a great time, with you. Seriously, after reading the email you sent, you gave me hope, but yesterday you told me, you are still confuse over yourself. My mood totally gone, the feeling of pain, those heartache, undescribeable! I don't know what I can talk to you. But last night, we talked alot.

I hate you, you told me you have learned to love some one, learned to do things for the girl. Do you really think you are? I'm not trying to say, I know how to love, frankly, not everyone knows how to love a person. Loving a person, you will never take her for granted. You will willing to satisfy her, don't let her feel down, or unhappy. Do you? You are taking good care for yourself, just only your own self. Do you know that your pride, exceed the limit for you on saying I love you? You don't mean it, although you think you are, you are not! speech less, dilemma, i don't know what to describe my feeling. Words in my head, but i can't express it out. Should let go? Can hold you back?

Lovely you!sweetly you!

Dear Sun Siew Din,

 

            Hello babe. It's been a long time huh? It's like forever. 8 months without each other, going our on way, doing our own stuffs, dealing with our feelings and emotions, trying to be tough and keep on looking forward. I have been thinking. For a very long time, really long time until I choose to meet you. Actually, I have no reason not to meet you; I want to meet you for so long. Every time I am out somewhere, how much I wish I will just bump into you and say hi; and that never happen before.

 

            Anyway, back to business. Read the book. How can I connect the book with what I have in mind? 8 months to go, right? The time is short. That's how I will put it. The book, "An hour to live, an hour to love". If I have one more hour to live, what would I say? And to who? I suppose that is how I would live with you for the whole time. Live it like there is no tomorrow, how's that? I guess it would be just the thing. You have made me realize something. I love you and that will never change. You have let me know that I already did survive without you and we still have the feeling for each other. I know 2 years is just a blink. And I don't know why I believed myself that I can't be far away from you. I just don't want to accept the fact that I can live my life too without you; of course, it will be less life here for me.

 

            Sweetie, if I can say anything right now, I will tell you that I am sorry. Sorry for the things that I have done. Sorry that you have to go through so many things. Sorry that I am so stubborn and never have realized how sweet and lovely you are when you are with me and to realize it when you are not here. Sorry that I have failed you and never kept what I have said. Sorry that I never put you first in my priority list and never bother what is troubling you. Sorry that I never gives my best to you and always keep on complaining. Sorry that I never listened to you and appreciate you all the time. Sorry that I have hurt you and never loved you enough. Sorry that I have abandoned you. Sorry that I never learn to appreciate you. Please forgive me for all the things I have done.

 

            I am afraid that you will regret being with me again. Do you really want me? Because I do and it's my pleasure to have you by my side, u know that? I love you. And, I am sorry for giving you this right now. Sorry. And good luck for your exam.

 

 

Love,

Alan.

原谅？

其实想回头，你不是说过会恨我的吗？

你说过不允许我和你的朋友在一起，先在呢？

我真的很感谢你，宽容的心胸， 包容了我！

我不是该得到惩罚的吗？

你说包容我是最容易的事， 那是真的吗？

希望你不回改变， 好吗？

真的希望你告诉我，你不想要了。 

因为我会很难接受以后将面临的一切。

没信心！你能给我吗？还是我得克服我自己？

没好的结果？美好的结果？

终于和你见面了， 好像没什的。

其实见面的目的， 就是把话说清楚。

本想告诉你， 我们就做回朋友。

不是敌人， 是有联络的朋友。

我怀念和你谈天的感觉， 

很舒服， 虽然你总是气我，

我就是喜欢这样的你。

我问你，为何要分手？

你说，因为一时接受不了我的离去，

那，为何又回来了？

因为放不下！

不知为何我又回心转意，想和你继续下去，可是.....

刚刚和alex 谈了，看见他，好像对他的她， 没了信心。

他都不再埋怨， 可能是都不知该埋怨什了吧？

那我和你呢？

分分合合， 都有无数次了，你我都应该累了吧？

但如果你我对对方都没感觉， 我们都不会重蹈复撤那多遍吧？

我可真没开大我的脑袋去想， 我们能吗？

分隔两地的爱情，真的能持久吗？

我的家人，不会拒绝吗？

这倒不是问题，我的幸福， 都应是我去找嘛，对不？

但我可不想闹得天慌地乱，谁要呢？

你说你会去想， 我都会尊敬你的决定，

况且， 我可没有勇气去拒绝你。

我害怕后悔！以前是，现在也是。

无论如何， 都是没好的结果吧？

Fuck me uP high!MOODY!

What a feeling?! No idea what kind of feeling, yeah, meeting you up tonight. Suppose whenever we met in this situation, we both will surely back together. But now, I don't think we are playing the same game are we? What I want to tell you?
I don't even know what I wanna say, now whole mind blank, suppose I should have a speech in mind to speak it out to u!
And now? LOL me!Fuck me up high, so that I can fly!

Loneliness lead to these? I should not find LCH, I should not find you back, indeed, i should learn to get use to single life. I don't feel good when you do not find me, but I don't feel good when you find me. A movie on thursday? Is not a problem isn't? I don't think we should back together, I should not give you that hope. But after all, I knew it, you have hope that we both will have chance. Am I selfish? I know I am. Can't be lonely? and I can't take it when you do not want to talk to me, and when you did, i will start taking you for granted.

ALAN LEE CHEA LOON! I do miss you, those feeling is still the same. started to message you, the way you talk to me, I will still smile when reading it. You are selfish, really selfish. When I told you, I don't know what you really want. I am seriously losing faith. But, you tell me you are not. and you can't go soft on me. What does that mean? If I go through it, You will have me in your arm. If I don't, you do not seems like you are craving for me. got ma got la, none ma none la! that is you! and you told me see how we look at things. our perception! you are over protecting, to yourself. 

Happy to see the msg you sent this morning, at least you realize you are selfish, you realize you hurt me don't you? do you know when you do not grab the opportunity, it will just flow away. When that is the time, you will start to regret. 

"After reading ur msg again, i realize that i am selfish! really selfish..I built a layer of protection!2 protect myself from you, a layer that not 2 get hurt,its hard to let go, n not easy to hold you back with me! forgiving u was easiest! after all, im nt even mad..I just want to c that i can hold u and not feeling betrayed!U understand me? I just cant open up myself fully 2 u yet, not now. its not easy 2 gain someone's trust.. do you believe in karma?i think i do!"

I know it is hard to gain trust, especially to make you trust me once more, I don't even know what to do to make you trust me once more, towards u, i need to put double effort to gain your trust. too protective until u will hardly believe in things i said, I know it. even now, i don't think we should get back together, i m not sure am i losing u for now? or for the future. what we can do, is to wait until we both are stable, i'm back from US. and you have your career on! if that the moment we both are still single, we can seriously get marry don't we? thinking too far! ? are u my mr right? and am i your ms right? this the moment we challenge ourself don't we? will you just meet me for the one last time? at least to be back friend and go for a movie? haK! impossible for you isn't? I don't put much hope neither!

What kind of situation now?

Can you tell me what kind of situation are we in right now? I love you, you love me. But now i don't sure do you still love me!?Because I'm leaving, and you leave me, then you come back and cry for me, but I screwed with another 2 guyS! And the two guys were both your friends, which you said I'm betraying you! Now, you give me the chance to talk to you, to clarify!? Can I? do i know what I wanna say anyway?

I broke up with them, and all the reasons I gave, Is all because of you! I thought i have let you go, so i started with a relationship. Yet, it is not the scene it should be played! I used these 2 fellas to forget you. But it doesn't seems like working! Conclusion, I still can't get over you! 

Why are they your friends? I have no idea why i went out with them. One, both of them can give me what you can't give me. Second, both of them treat me better than you do. So? It showed that I don't care how you treat me, I'm still in love with who you used to be! The stingy alan lee, the china pek alan lee, the possessive alan lee, the lazy and dirty alan lee.!!!

Now, what I can guaranty you? I can't tell you the future, will we both still together!?! But, I will never want to erase you from my heart, I want to keep everything. Not 100% ensure you that I will come back Malaysia to find you, and can you be sure that you won't marry to another woman? What I need to clarify, is I will never start a new relationship, till I totally forget you! Does it sounds important to you? I'm in between 2 guys! and, chee ho is not accepting the truth that I'm breaking up with him. I know I hurt him, but I can't keep lying to him that, me and you have nothing in between! Yet, I don't want to be cruel to him! Kid-do isn't he? I should have get back revenge from others someday! the pay back!

What the fuck biTCH!!!

What the heck do you think you are doing idiot bitch? you are hurting everyone, even your own-self. What is on your head? Getting back with alan? do you think you have the chance? Break up with chee ho? For the sake of being available for alan? Hell not! What am I thinking? I'm selfish! I know I shouldn't be in this situation, create this fucked up situation. am i making you think that i'm such a bitchy that want to save my ass first before i get into trouble? I don't want love right now! Me and LCH, we both can't click, we knew it! Maybe i should say I know it! You don't know! Even if alan are not here, we will still break up isn't? is the matter when and when! and coincidentally, it came to this situation that alan appears, and u think he is the causes of everything! He is, but nothing i can do, i don't even know what i can do! fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!who i can cry out with? who can lend me the shoulder?!?!

InsecurenesS!

What is the problem with you NICOLE SUN HIEW DIN?

I don't feel any secureness when I'm with you? You just don't make me feel like you love me, you are craving for me, you are not are you? Losing faith in believing! I don't wanna get hurt, so I will start to protect before there is any chance that would make me feel sad! That is true, if we don't meet after feel days, I will start thinking, you will never miss me. Are you right now? But you don't show it! If you are!

For what ever you think, think the opposite! I read this book. Does it apply to everything? But when I read it, it might sometimes correct! So should I just think the opposite right now? But sometimes, when things hurt, the causes that make you feel hurt, is because you are thinking things out of your expectation. You think that he won't do it, he will. You think that is not the way. but it is exactly the way. So, where do people suppose to find their balancing point? In other word, can't people just think the opposite of their opposite, so that their wishes may come true?

These are so sophisticated, complicated! What I need right now? Study! To win myself! COME ON!Another 3 weeks to go! If you would have achieve 3.3 cgpa, that is impposible! So? MAINTAIN it! It is now hard, not tough!Is not hardworking enough!

NICOLE SUN SIEW DIN! ANOTHER 3 MORE WEEKS FOR YOU TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE! SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!START NOW!

DuCuM cHaN Lai HeOnG 21th biRdaY!

Ho Ho Ho, although is a little out date, but we did celebrate with you on time don't we? O.d.m watch! Your present! Hope you really like it~~~
How many birthday we can celebrate together buddies? after yours, abby, me and irene! then i fly.... I realy don't wish to see that happened!
see the sam pattness we got!outing shooting is really nice, to keep our memories. it will always stay fresh in our heart!right gurls?Im waiting for your pic to upload la.....sigh!stay tune!

Thanks alan(L)nala!

Looking at the nick you put in the MSN, suddenly it came to my mind that you have another gf. but, when i think twice over it, is the name flip in another direction. I'm not sure if you really have a new gf, is nothing to do with me also.
Lim Chee hou, these few days you treat me exactly like a different person, am I over sensitive? You know those feeling, when you are expecting him to call you, but he didn't, finding something like excuse to excuse, or maybe it is not an excuse and it is real. But I don't know how to differentiate it. Somehow it makes me feel insecure. And now, I want to thanks to nala, for leaving me, guess I am the one who cannot stay in a long distance relationship. Those guessing game, I don't like to play anymore. I have no faith, no secureness. I will start think nonsense. Is that my character?ya, that is my so not good behavior! I thought I asked you to call me last night, but you didn't. That make me feel fishy. Some stories behind? aHhhh, but when I msg you telling you what am I thinking, you say I simply think. Dur!!!What happened to me? I am not sure!

empty soul part 2

The feeling is just so different, I don't even look into your eye, not even your face when I was there taking back the CD. You will never want to call me anymore, msg me anymore do you? I don't think so! i missed those days when I was talking in the phone with you. You just give me the feeling of going back with you. We will never have that chance anymore! Please tell me we have it! It is just to hard to say "go far far away" from me! Really miss you a lot! I don't even know how you think of me, cause you will never reply me in any phone call or email text message!I am not sure how many parts I can write about you to me !

PaVvy outing!

Wow, is been quite sometime that we gurls didn't hang out for outing? But yesterday wasn't bad isn't? Suddenly approach to my head, if there is no one among us playing camera, like shooting, i guess our life will never be so fun? am i right? thanks for those photo, you know, memories can only be kept in such way! picture it out! If you want to keep it in mind, it will sometimes just fade away, for those i really want to keep it in my heart, will never fade away, is impossible. You can't go back to the moment when happiness are there. That is the reason we gurls shoOT!

empty soul part one!

enough enough enough! what am i actually thinking? be so firm to send u that msg, asking you to go far away. now hoping you to come back to me. but i did silly things that what you so call:betrayed you! I don't mean to do that, but is already happened. If you look it from the other perspective, it is nothing isn't? But i know you keep your own principal. You don't like ppl to betray you, once he/ she did, she is gone! Especially me? I am sorry. I really hope i can turn back time to love you again. I really thinking about you everyday! I hope i need not to leave to us, so that i will be brave enough to talk to u right now! But now. i don't . I'm afraid to find you, and i don't know what i can say. beside sorry? and? sorry! If i need not to leave, maybe i will just approach to you, blah everything i wanna blah! and do whatever that can make you stay! you don't reply me, you don't give me a damn! guess you are so fucking hate me now! You don't even tell me that you hate me, that is the worst among the worst! it makes me feel bad deep down my heart!
To lim chee hou! Are we in love? i don't feel any love! My whole mind is about alan, and i can't say words that i used to say when i am with a bf! merajuk thingy! probably is because your birthday tomorrow, so i don't wanna say words that keep we both feel annoying. after you birthday, guess i need to be honest! to you, that i need to stay single for now! my mind can't stop thinking about him, and it is so unfair to you. you will be like substitution to his presence. every of my bf will be his substutution! oh gosh! I really need him badly?

Dear aL, I don't know which email you are actually using, so i send both. It depends on you to read it or not. I mean, I just have the feeling to speak all out!Since the day you left, we changed. Our relationship changed. My character changed! I don't fucking care about love, don't fucking know what is love to me any more. Ya, fuck around, that is the word suits this case. You taught me to love, i appreciate you really a lot. Even till the extend that I will just try my best to keep our relationship no matter how. But now situation changed, I don't know how to keep the relationship anymore. Why I fall to your friend? He just give me hope. Although is fake hope(which i don't really care), but still hope. A person said he will just follow me to US, that is the word I wanna hear it from your mouth. Not we will see what happen it the next two years, hand in to GOD, break up for now. It is hurt enough to break up once, but our case? break up more than THOUSAND times! and get back together and off and on......Be frank, i still can't get rid of you.. You used to be my everything, I can seriously tell you that, you are my everything. Our memories, I missed it too much, sometimes i will just refresh it, and i started to drop tears, to smile to myself. I screwed it up. I am FUCKING regret, guilt!and i don't know what i was doing! I am bitch, you can say it! I admit it! I don't even know how to face everyone, sorry that i made you feel the same way. There is nothing i can do now, all to blame was my first move before everything goes to the worst scenario. I don't know how to face the boy friend i have, i keep seeing you in every action he is doing. and now i realise how you felt when you were with hui yen, guess is that feeling. I thought you lied whereby, no feeling how to be with her? but now i can understand. I be with him is for companionship. the feeling? you knew it! I know you hate me a lot, just go ahead, guess that will be the better way for us to forget each one! But i just choose the wrong way to make you hate me!I still telling ppl, you are the one i love the most, the one i will only love. but now it turns on to be no value by saying it anymore. when ppl asked, did alan admit to u he steal the money? our form 5 incident?I tell them, i dare not to ask him, cause i don't wanna know the answer. even though if i ask you, you will still deny it! which i know the truth. i should trust you! but how do you feel?everyone knew it! i still tell them, i don't care about it! everyone has this thought, you are the bad guy. But i don't know what is the reason that make me love u that much, where i can just forget it and be with you. But now, when we broke up, i told myself, i will try my best not to fall back to you anymore! my family hates you. and what you want me to do? If i would have the chance to start over, i will never want to be with you to hurt my family. When some one is clear in mind, he/she knows what he/she needs. love is blind, it blinded me for ages that i don't care what my family think of u. I thank you for leaving me, to be firm in the decision you had made last august. you wanna break up, even when i beg you to be back with me, i feel like i got fool by you. fuck with no feeling? i still remember that night! and now you need not to come back to me, stick back where we stop. i really thank you for making the decison, come back after 2 years from us, then we might cont our relationship. although it is hard for me to accept the fact, i hate this solution. but this is the only solution, the hardest solution, you made it for us. I want to really start a new life, brand new life without you. eventhough i have the chance to come back to malaysia, i will choose not to come back. I know im selfish, spoit your friendship? and now come and tell you these. I m selfish, i know i am....but i really hope that you will understand me, how much i really need you by my side, but it just can't happend. i just can't stop crying right now! those hatred, those love, just combine together. that is what we call love? i seriously wish i can turn back time, not giving you up. not letting you to give me up. but now, i had made you gave me up. isnt it good? hate me to the max, you and me, stories END
-N-

WHERE AM I?

Damn shit, i don't feel any love when i am with you, is just as a companiment. Why i still continue it? Dur, lost lost lost! where the hell am I?I don't what i wanna do now. I wanna do my cal, but all Question do halfway lost! I wanna study chemistry but no text book, I wanna read philo but no mood. ONE WORD. I have no mood to do all these! What am I thinking about? I need some one to talk to, but no one here to talk to,even though you, I don't know what to talk to although I have plenty in my mind! OH GOSH!!!!You don't make me feel secure! Seriously none! Should I just tell you? AIKS!!!!

What is love to me anymore?

"4 in the morning" by gwen stefani, is the song that will remind me and you, Alan! I don't know why i have such memories about us when I'm listening to this song, I remember that is the day i came to kl, and we were still fighting, i was messaging with you when I'm in the bus.
What is love? I message you last night, telling you i do not know how to love since you have left. That is true, I don't know what is love to me anymore. I don't feel like falling in love anymore, i just know you are the one i learn to love. I really wish to go back with you, badly. But sometimes i think back the mistake i have done, i shouldn't go with your friend, shouldn't do silly things! Which i know you will never forgive me! I really wanna tell you, please come back to me now. But when I'm considering the things i have done, i am really a bitch! You told me not to go out with any of your friend, but i don't know why i will just do it! I know you will get fucking mad about it, but i still do it! Why you are the only one can make me feel this way? feel like going back with you, obey you, listening to you, start worrying when you don't talk to me? Zhong zi those feeling that you will make me feel uncomfortable.
Can't i just give you up? i wish i can, i know i can! But when ever I'm in the relationship, i will feel that the one whom i go with love me more than i love him. compare to you, that is totally different! I really love you more than anyone else! You made my heart bumping fast, you made me breath hard! You made me suffocate!

Speechless!

I don't know why I cried when i read your sms last night, you told me how much you miss me, how much you love me, how bad you are feeling! But i can't do anything. I mean, we both can't do anything though. I really wish to go back to the past, how much i miss those moment we were together. How much i wish i need not to go to US. but why can't you just wait for me? Why you wanna choose to break up and come back again? What is the reason to struggle so hard and get rid of each other but end up back to square one? I really hope i'm by your side. But, something just stop me from going back to you. That is, everything will be repeating again, worst scenario. The day you see i'm leaving. so why you wanna come back? I'm really speechless about us. Really love you a lot! But ....how bad we both feeling right now. Who else will know? Guess just only we both know it....

Confussion!

Oh darling, I don't know what had happended to you. Alan! Since when you become so fragile? Started to send me msg in such a way, no solution still. I thought u are a very determine person, when you know what to do, you know what is right to do for you, you will never struggle again! Why you started to become like that? I guess i shouldn't find you right? shouldn't keep contact with you. I know if someday you found out that I was once with FHM, guess you will be crazy! And i seriously don't know what happend to me, I don't know why i was with this guy before! Mistake Mistake! Oh gosh! I am so regret!
I know I'm now such a bitch started to mess up with love life! I really starting to blame you, because you broke up with me, if not, i will still love you till the max! this is a way to make me feel comfort? Dur.....I really wish that i can still love you, but i don't want this thing repeat over over and over again! Am i moving forward? Who the hell will know? Even myself also don't know! What do you think you know?
Are you getting jealous over kopi? do you think that he always report your stuff to me? He did nothing! don't worry k? And i seriously don't know how are you going on, can you please let me know? just tell me how's your recent life! do you think you will reply me? lol! no idea!
Lim chee hou, why my blog need to write specific name when talking about guySsss? is like at the same period, these ppl still turning around !OMG!I don't like going out with you, with your other friends along, i mean, we both pak tor, why must two couples together pak tor?sien nia!!!!And, I'm quite care that if i'm out with your friend, they are so young, i'm so mature! haK! Age ain't problem! Right Right Right? but i don't want ppl to look at me like one kind! very embarrassing!I do mind how ppl think of me!
I want a lomo camera! sob sob!

What the heCk?

What is the your problem if I'm having a new bf? You just treated me in such a rude way!Do you know that? Me and you are over, is a mistake that i go out with you! Definately a mistake that i fuck my life up cause of you! Idiot!

Happy Valentine!

Wow, I was trying to use chinese to write this blog, but, after few minutes only type within 10 words,OMG!!
Happy valentine! This is the first valentine I have celebrated after so long. Alan don't really celebrated it with me last year, he said it is still a normal day for a couple. Is lame, he did celebrated with me when we both were still in the "high peak", the first 2 years, form 4 and form 5. Sweet!! But, I'm 21 now, you will never want to have this at your age!It is a experience you had through out your teenage life!I'm regret throwing away the first valentine gift you gave, the handmade diary, and the second year, was the flower and our very first night!oUcH!!I wonder where have I put the picture you drew during end of our form 3 year, the pic of mine!Chee hou reminds me!
I shouldn't just talk about you anyway!I have moved forward! Lim Chee Hou, new BEE? Haha, i feel better calling you Bee than calling FHM. He is nothing!WOW!That sounds hurt to him! Ok!Stop comparing! Cyrstal, you gave me! is a purple one, which means, good luck in studies! Thanks baby! I really appreciate it! You always make me feel like, you love me more than i love you? Those move you had made, like giving out present, blah blah blah! Was the things I will do during your age! Ok, nicole, stop telling yourself that you are older than this little guy! You should have learn how to put "age" aside!and think what you really need right now!
But what really I need? This first time i don't feel like bothering what will happend in the future! Which means, I don't really think of our future! Suddenly changed thought? Be happy for right now! And don't think too much about tomorrow! You just pointed the issue here, I am those who loves to think too much about the future! I guess I am!But right now, I will not! Don't put too much hope on it, on everything! Have a goal, enough! Don't think like a little kid anymore! New year, new inspiration! New hope! New start! KambaTeH!

Happening new year!?!?

Moving forward, am I consider as moving forward now? I scare i will really fall in love with you lim chee hou. but i scare i will need to suffer when i leave. Too many things to worry about, or, I'm taking too many things to worry for. Looking at you, I feel that i cant click with you, but I think we both can work it out. U are so good, arH....same things i say to FHM. But he is annoying! I like your outgoing character.... Just like it! I don't want dummiesss....Is a mistake to that inciddent happended that night in the car? I don't know should i or shouldn't? ArHh.....Libran, finding balancing point again! Done something then only think shouldn't i! But we did it!!! I don't know how are you thinking about me, you just didn't show much love when u are with your friends.....Zhong zi i don't know how to describe the feeling, insecure one word! But this is what usually happened to me. which when i really fall to some one, the feeling is the same? We will see, what up next!Cause i always change!i know!!!!

Messy love life!

Enjoy kissing? Enjoy fucking? What the fuck is happening to me? Simply just kiss someone! And didn't think of the consequences? What the heck!!!!
FHM, just endded, and now comes LCH! And my mind is all about ALCL!fuck fuck fuck!I'm going to exploit! Seriously!I don't wish to go to US now, I just wanna do things i like right now, I don't wanna think of giving hope in the future, no faith!Not even a little!I'm just...... Stuck again again and again, stationary, don't know where to go, should i just be a rock hearted girl, don't fuck care of anyone? To good in flirting? Or it is a bad thing? I really miss him, for his everything, and he told me there is no way that we will back together, right now! I knew it better than anyone else! But u are better in controlling yourself, your emotion and your move! I guess I am not!Which i know this will be a problem in the future, if i keep doing this!dude!change change change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Move forward!

Move forward, don't look back !!!! we have nothing much to do, we just can wait what will happen in the future! I'm speechless already! Be good, be happy!

CowarD!

You idiot coward!Why you wanna tell me you still miss me?Come on, the main reason that makes you feel like telling me, is because you are alone right now, things happened around you, and you can't find anyone to talk to. Your friends?Not close enough. Do you think you really miss me? scare to see me?your empty soul?Hell not, how much i wish i can talk to you, to see you, to msg you. But end up, i don't know what I can say!Why you wanna come back to me? why why are you telling me these? You just make me stuck again. I thought i have already recover, why why why!!!!I seriously hate you, you really make me feel bad!damn bad!Fucking bad!i really hate this, both of us, the relationship!i'm seriously speechless to you. how much i hope i can still hold you tight, but this is all dream! coward! you dare not to tell me shut up and fuck off, i wish u do that to me. make me hate you, please!say u don't wanna be friend with me!
Do you ever think that, if you die tomorrow? what is the thing that you regretted the most? regret telling me things u said past few nights? i really wish that i can share things around you, your tense maybe, your problems. you just don't even give me the chance.now, slaughter me straight, hate me till the max! don't make me miss you anymore! i beg you, do whatever u can to make me hate u!

Guilt~~

OK!I don't really feel good when you don't wanna talk to me like we used to be. But we've got to do this, to avoid meeting each other that often. I know it is hard for you to let me go, if we still meeting each other, things wil be worst. And, I'm kinda shock when you kissed me, I don't expect you will still do that. I'm just sorry, don't make me feel guilty, you know I don't like to feel sorry to people. I will rather ask you to hurt me instead you are being hurt. Somehow, I can really take you as a very good friend. Like yee huang and me, guess this is the reason: "I don't really love , fall to you", and I can easily let you go. Totally thinking of Alan, I don't think is good for we both to meet up, I am not sure I will be ok to meet you up. Which I know I will fall back to you. Just can't get rid of this feeling. I need to stay focus on my study, come on! Wasted too much money, got to pay back already! Is time to work it out!KampateH!

IDIOT!SAN!

I'm not sure should I tell you these, but I guess it is better to email you, somehow, I don't know when is the day. Am I getting too emo today? Or there are really things in my head that made me treat you in such a way?
Reading back the blog i posted last few days, compare to now, I don't know why the feeling is totally different. From the so call "trying you out", to "giving you up"! I guess during the time I told you I wanna break up, I did tell you I don't mind Alan get mad on us. Actually I do, I know I'm silly, I feel like going back with him, if we have the chance. I don't know why I will have this feeling. Maybe i started to compare you and him, which I know I shouldn't. You can consider as the 2nd bf of mine, I think I need to learn stop comparing with the previous bf i had. But first love to me is really deep in my mind. I can remember every single things in my head, but I can't recall anything about us before we both started. He-aL still in my mind of course. Is just that I know I need to give him up.supressing this feeling.
We both are from different world, do you think as what I'm thinking?Whatever you said, you can't make me feel extremely happy, I don't really feel happy, I laugh or smile, is just a way to express, reply to you. It doesn't mean you are really making me happy. Indirectly, can I say it as insecure?
Second, I'm a talkactive person in the crowd, but you are always the one remain silence. I can't get use to this kind of bf, he can't share jokes around with friends when the gf is around. But when we both are one to one, you start crapping which irritates me a lot. I just dare not to hurt you.I don't know how you classify as childish. Maybe your defination and mine is totally different.
Third, I like doing things fast, and you are way too slow. I can't recall how many times i spent to wait for you. Driving, bathing, etc!Ok, maybe I shouldn't say it like that. In other words, I should tell you that, I'm kinda like selfish, I wanna make use of my time, according to the plan i have already set before everything.
What is so wrong with me? Or I really can't commit myself into any relationship yet? Ah mo is true, the one treating you good, doesn't mean the one you love the most. I fall to you because you are treating me so good, and it has no harm to be with you. But we both just can't click do we? Maybe you think that we are, but i'm just......I don't have the feeling of falling in love with you! My heart don't pump fast when i see you, i don't feeling to see you although after days we didn't meet. When i'm with you i feel like going home. WHAT THE FUCK NICOLE SUN SIEW DIN!

I just can't say it!

I just can't say it. And when I took the courage to tell you I wanna be back friend with you, FHM, u beg me to wait till 12 midnight. I'm too soft hearted, and you are too kind to me, that I dare not to say no to you again. I do feel bad when I'm with you, to continue the relationship with you, there are too many things we need to consider. You told me you don't care about Alan, your friendship with him. But I guess I'm the one cares about it. I'm not worrying that he will get mad on us, that is definately gonna happen someday. You and him were friend since kindergarden or primary am I right? I just don't wish to be the one who spoilt everything. If I'm no longer with you, you will just sacrify this friendship. Of course I wish that I'm always have this chance to be with you. I do feel like "trying you out", you are worth for me to fall to. Although I'm leaving to US, although I can't tell you what will happend in the future, but I do fall to you. I just like talking to you, you don't make me feel tense, compare to the past relationship i had, i feel comfortable with you. We can just say everything, and, I start to appreciate everything you do to me. thanks my dear. You always say things to make me feel better, I hope everything is true, I don't wish that you will lie to me, you know is hurt to know that someone you love just use you. I did experience it!

Should I?

I guess is all because of your sms, and you seriously woke me up!That i can't bear this responsible to be with FHM anymore.I mean is so unfair to him, that i am still in love with you?I guess!I'm not!I hope!
The problem is here, I don't think, i don't give any big hope over this relationship with FHM, but I don't wish to scew up the friendship between you all. I hope I don't, I hate fight!Maybe I'm thinking too much, it may not be that bad, or am I just thinking too much?

I just can't imagine that I was in love with you so much!ALAN!
Am I still the same?We had too many memories to keep!Looking back those blog I posted!I feel like I'm back to that moment when I was in Penang with you. I really miss you! And miss it! Maybe is missing the memories! I just can't imagine I can hold another guy in my arm, and my head is all our memories, I will keep thinking things we did and compare with the recent things i did with this so call ANOTHER guy!Oh gosh!

Confusion!

Is these all mistakes? I mean, I've chose to date with you, which I don't really have that feeling to be with you. I just don't know why I will just say yes to you. Is it because both of us are not good in saying no? weak in refuse? Do you really have this feeling with me? And, do I really have the feeling with you? I don't know why I will tell you I'm ready for you the other day night, which I'm so sure that I'm not ready to commit to anyone yet. As larrie said:"just fuck around only!" ya, maybe I will just fuck around first. Things here, I'm not sure if alan found out we both, we will be dead. I have no problem with him, the problem will just occur between you and your friends. Is it worth to fight because of me? I mean I will be the one skewing up all these, yet, I might leave you. What is the reason to tell them if we don't think we can last, I mean, I don't think we can last. Where's my head gone?I'm just so confuse with our relationship. Is alan the one I love the most?Why am I having this hard time to start a new relationship? Or it is because I'm leaving, and I don't wanna commit?
Women, will only hear from one side, they will never be optimistic, they will think to the worst case when it comes to things to do with affairs and loves, relationship. Am I right? I guess so! So why am I so worry? I can just don't care about it, just be as normal as I can, right? You are good, seriously, I mean you have this open minded. But one thing i don't like, you like disturbing me. No matter how, sometimes you embarrass me with touching my butt. haK!I am not sure do you mean it or you don't. But I have this feeling that, you have somethings more that I'm not sure I know about it. Or you just try to pretend like you are a good one? Seriously, I'm not ready to have sex with you, even kissing you, sometimes I will have to think twice for doing it. Ain't like last time, I was so desperate with these. But now.....Or just because we both just started? Hope this is the reason!

Am I fucked?I don't know how to describe these feeling when being with you.It doesn't give me this heart pumping fast feeling.I don't feel like I'm in love.But i don't know why I will just go with u.Partly reason is because i am afraid to love again?i am leaving?I don't....Or i am not wishing to commit with anyone else.And seriously you don't give me this feeling of....u know, that kinda feeling!Like alan gave me.Am i comparing?I hope I am not...Maybe I not yet get rid of alan, or maybe i am searching for another alan?
I don't know I don't know, there are a lot question marks on my head!And I don't know how to let you know if i wanna choose to give up.It seems so unfair to u, but I don't feel though to lie to u if i have tried hard to love u, but just cant!You are good, caring, innocent, smart!Haha!Just, too concern about me ~~I can't take it!