What kind of situation now?

Can you tell me what kind of situation are we in right now? I love you, you love me. But now i don't sure do you still love me!?Because I'm leaving, and you leave me, then you come back and cry for me, but I screwed with another 2 guyS! And the two guys were both your friends, which you said I'm betraying you! Now, you give me the chance to talk to you, to clarify!? Can I? do i know what I wanna say anyway?

I broke up with them, and all the reasons I gave, Is all because of you! I thought i have let you go, so i started with a relationship. Yet, it is not the scene it should be played! I used these 2 fellas to forget you. But it doesn't seems like working! Conclusion, I still can't get over you! 

Why are they your friends? I have no idea why i went out with them. One, both of them can give me what you can't give me. Second, both of them treat me better than you do. So? It showed that I don't care how you treat me, I'm still in love with who you used to be! The stingy alan lee, the china pek alan lee, the possessive alan lee, the lazy and dirty alan lee.!!!

Now, what I can guaranty you? I can't tell you the future, will we both still together!?! But, I will never want to erase you from my heart, I want to keep everything. Not 100% ensure you that I will come back Malaysia to find you, and can you be sure that you won't marry to another woman? What I need to clarify, is I will never start a new relationship, till I totally forget you! Does it sounds important to you? I'm in between 2 guys! and, chee ho is not accepting the truth that I'm breaking up with him. I know I hurt him, but I can't keep lying to him that, me and you have nothing in between! Yet, I don't want to be cruel to him! Kid-do isn't he? I should have get back revenge from others someday! the pay back!

What the fuck biTCH!!!

What the heck do you think you are doing idiot bitch? you are hurting everyone, even your own-self. What is on your head? Getting back with alan? do you think you have the chance? Break up with chee ho? For the sake of being available for alan? Hell not! What am I thinking? I'm selfish! I know I shouldn't be in this situation, create this fucked up situation. am i making you think that i'm such a bitchy that want to save my ass first before i get into trouble? I don't want love right now! Me and LCH, we both can't click, we knew it! Maybe i should say I know it! You don't know! Even if alan are not here, we will still break up isn't? is the matter when and when! and coincidentally, it came to this situation that alan appears, and u think he is the causes of everything! He is, but nothing i can do, i don't even know what i can do! fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!who i can cry out with? who can lend me the shoulder?!?!

InsecurenesS!

What is the problem with you NICOLE SUN HIEW DIN?

I don't feel any secureness when I'm with you? You just don't make me feel like you love me, you are craving for me, you are not are you? Losing faith in believing! I don't wanna get hurt, so I will start to protect before there is any chance that would make me feel sad! That is true, if we don't meet after feel days, I will start thinking, you will never miss me. Are you right now? But you don't show it! If you are!

For what ever you think, think the opposite! I read this book. Does it apply to everything? But when I read it, it might sometimes correct! So should I just think the opposite right now? But sometimes, when things hurt, the causes that make you feel hurt, is because you are thinking things out of your expectation. You think that he won't do it, he will. You think that is not the way. but it is exactly the way. So, where do people suppose to find their balancing point? In other word, can't people just think the opposite of their opposite, so that their wishes may come true?

These are so sophisticated, complicated! What I need right now? Study! To win myself! COME ON!Another 3 weeks to go! If you would have achieve 3.3 cgpa, that is impposible! So? MAINTAIN it! It is now hard, not tough!Is not hardworking enough!

NICOLE SUN SIEW DIN! ANOTHER 3 MORE WEEKS FOR YOU TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE! SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!START NOW!

DuCuM cHaN Lai HeOnG 21th biRdaY!

Ho Ho Ho, although is a little out date, but we did celebrate with you on time don't we? O.d.m watch! Your present! Hope you really like it~~~
How many birthday we can celebrate together buddies? after yours, abby, me and irene! then i fly.... I realy don't wish to see that happened!
see the sam pattness we got!outing shooting is really nice, to keep our memories. it will always stay fresh in our heart!right gurls?Im waiting for your pic to upload la.....sigh!stay tune!

Thanks alan(L)nala!

Looking at the nick you put in the MSN, suddenly it came to my mind that you have another gf. but, when i think twice over it, is the name flip in another direction. I'm not sure if you really have a new gf, is nothing to do with me also.
Lim Chee hou, these few days you treat me exactly like a different person, am I over sensitive? You know those feeling, when you are expecting him to call you, but he didn't, finding something like excuse to excuse, or maybe it is not an excuse and it is real. But I don't know how to differentiate it. Somehow it makes me feel insecure. And now, I want to thanks to nala, for leaving me, guess I am the one who cannot stay in a long distance relationship. Those guessing game, I don't like to play anymore. I have no faith, no secureness. I will start think nonsense. Is that my character?ya, that is my so not good behavior! I thought I asked you to call me last night, but you didn't. That make me feel fishy. Some stories behind? aHhhh, but when I msg you telling you what am I thinking, you say I simply think. Dur!!!What happened to me? I am not sure!

empty soul part 2

The feeling is just so different, I don't even look into your eye, not even your face when I was there taking back the CD. You will never want to call me anymore, msg me anymore do you? I don't think so! i missed those days when I was talking in the phone with you. You just give me the feeling of going back with you. We will never have that chance anymore! Please tell me we have it! It is just to hard to say "go far far away" from me! Really miss you a lot! I don't even know how you think of me, cause you will never reply me in any phone call or email text message!I am not sure how many parts I can write about you to me !

PaVvy outing!

Wow, is been quite sometime that we gurls didn't hang out for outing? But yesterday wasn't bad isn't? Suddenly approach to my head, if there is no one among us playing camera, like shooting, i guess our life will never be so fun? am i right? thanks for those photo, you know, memories can only be kept in such way! picture it out! If you want to keep it in mind, it will sometimes just fade away, for those i really want to keep it in my heart, will never fade away, is impossible. You can't go back to the moment when happiness are there. That is the reason we gurls shoOT!

empty soul part one!

enough enough enough! what am i actually thinking? be so firm to send u that msg, asking you to go far away. now hoping you to come back to me. but i did silly things that what you so call:betrayed you! I don't mean to do that, but is already happened. If you look it from the other perspective, it is nothing isn't? But i know you keep your own principal. You don't like ppl to betray you, once he/ she did, she is gone! Especially me? I am sorry. I really hope i can turn back time to love you again. I really thinking about you everyday! I hope i need not to leave to us, so that i will be brave enough to talk to u right now! But now. i don't . I'm afraid to find you, and i don't know what i can say. beside sorry? and? sorry! If i need not to leave, maybe i will just approach to you, blah everything i wanna blah! and do whatever that can make you stay! you don't reply me, you don't give me a damn! guess you are so fucking hate me now! You don't even tell me that you hate me, that is the worst among the worst! it makes me feel bad deep down my heart!
To lim chee hou! Are we in love? i don't feel any love! My whole mind is about alan, and i can't say words that i used to say when i am with a bf! merajuk thingy! probably is because your birthday tomorrow, so i don't wanna say words that keep we both feel annoying. after you birthday, guess i need to be honest! to you, that i need to stay single for now! my mind can't stop thinking about him, and it is so unfair to you. you will be like substitution to his presence. every of my bf will be his substutution! oh gosh! I really need him badly?

Dear aL, I don't know which email you are actually using, so i send both. It depends on you to read it or not. I mean, I just have the feeling to speak all out!Since the day you left, we changed. Our relationship changed. My character changed! I don't fucking care about love, don't fucking know what is love to me any more. Ya, fuck around, that is the word suits this case. You taught me to love, i appreciate you really a lot. Even till the extend that I will just try my best to keep our relationship no matter how. But now situation changed, I don't know how to keep the relationship anymore. Why I fall to your friend? He just give me hope. Although is fake hope(which i don't really care), but still hope. A person said he will just follow me to US, that is the word I wanna hear it from your mouth. Not we will see what happen it the next two years, hand in to GOD, break up for now. It is hurt enough to break up once, but our case? break up more than THOUSAND times! and get back together and off and on......Be frank, i still can't get rid of you.. You used to be my everything, I can seriously tell you that, you are my everything. Our memories, I missed it too much, sometimes i will just refresh it, and i started to drop tears, to smile to myself. I screwed it up. I am FUCKING regret, guilt!and i don't know what i was doing! I am bitch, you can say it! I admit it! I don't even know how to face everyone, sorry that i made you feel the same way. There is nothing i can do now, all to blame was my first move before everything goes to the worst scenario. I don't know how to face the boy friend i have, i keep seeing you in every action he is doing. and now i realise how you felt when you were with hui yen, guess is that feeling. I thought you lied whereby, no feeling how to be with her? but now i can understand. I be with him is for companionship. the feeling? you knew it! I know you hate me a lot, just go ahead, guess that will be the better way for us to forget each one! But i just choose the wrong way to make you hate me!I still telling ppl, you are the one i love the most, the one i will only love. but now it turns on to be no value by saying it anymore. when ppl asked, did alan admit to u he steal the money? our form 5 incident?I tell them, i dare not to ask him, cause i don't wanna know the answer. even though if i ask you, you will still deny it! which i know the truth. i should trust you! but how do you feel?everyone knew it! i still tell them, i don't care about it! everyone has this thought, you are the bad guy. But i don't know what is the reason that make me love u that much, where i can just forget it and be with you. But now, when we broke up, i told myself, i will try my best not to fall back to you anymore! my family hates you. and what you want me to do? If i would have the chance to start over, i will never want to be with you to hurt my family. When some one is clear in mind, he/she knows what he/she needs. love is blind, it blinded me for ages that i don't care what my family think of u. I thank you for leaving me, to be firm in the decision you had made last august. you wanna break up, even when i beg you to be back with me, i feel like i got fool by you. fuck with no feeling? i still remember that night! and now you need not to come back to me, stick back where we stop. i really thank you for making the decison, come back after 2 years from us, then we might cont our relationship. although it is hard for me to accept the fact, i hate this solution. but this is the only solution, the hardest solution, you made it for us. I want to really start a new life, brand new life without you. eventhough i have the chance to come back to malaysia, i will choose not to come back. I know im selfish, spoit your friendship? and now come and tell you these. I m selfish, i know i am....but i really hope that you will understand me, how much i really need you by my side, but it just can't happend. i just can't stop crying right now! those hatred, those love, just combine together. that is what we call love? i seriously wish i can turn back time, not giving you up. not letting you to give me up. but now, i had made you gave me up. isnt it good? hate me to the max, you and me, stories END
-N-

WHERE AM I?

Damn shit, i don't feel any love when i am with you, is just as a companiment. Why i still continue it? Dur, lost lost lost! where the hell am I?I don't what i wanna do now. I wanna do my cal, but all Question do halfway lost! I wanna study chemistry but no text book, I wanna read philo but no mood. ONE WORD. I have no mood to do all these! What am I thinking about? I need some one to talk to, but no one here to talk to,even though you, I don't know what to talk to although I have plenty in my mind! OH GOSH!!!!You don't make me feel secure! Seriously none! Should I just tell you? AIKS!!!!

What is love to me anymore?

"4 in the morning" by gwen stefani, is the song that will remind me and you, Alan! I don't know why i have such memories about us when I'm listening to this song, I remember that is the day i came to kl, and we were still fighting, i was messaging with you when I'm in the bus.
What is love? I message you last night, telling you i do not know how to love since you have left. That is true, I don't know what is love to me anymore. I don't feel like falling in love anymore, i just know you are the one i learn to love. I really wish to go back with you, badly. But sometimes i think back the mistake i have done, i shouldn't go with your friend, shouldn't do silly things! Which i know you will never forgive me! I really wanna tell you, please come back to me now. But when I'm considering the things i have done, i am really a bitch! You told me not to go out with any of your friend, but i don't know why i will just do it! I know you will get fucking mad about it, but i still do it! Why you are the only one can make me feel this way? feel like going back with you, obey you, listening to you, start worrying when you don't talk to me? Zhong zi those feeling that you will make me feel uncomfortable.
Can't i just give you up? i wish i can, i know i can! But when ever I'm in the relationship, i will feel that the one whom i go with love me more than i love him. compare to you, that is totally different! I really love you more than anyone else! You made my heart bumping fast, you made me breath hard! You made me suffocate!