another one?

Kinda weird with you, am I right?Flirting only, not a big problem, don't think too much, stop imagine, cause it is all about playing and flirting!nothing much!bear in mind!
But I don't know why i will never say no to you, like what I will do to this Malcolm. Guess I feel comfort when you are around, not like this childish guy, hee!but you are kinda cute, can't deny that!when you smile, hee....nice teeth huh!no wonder you will complain about cece's teeth!You are so different infront of friends, and one by one with a friend,i assume that not just because you are infront me, i guess is to anyone!I don't know why i will hung out with you the whole night, a movie is ok, but after that, is like, wow!going to your place, worrying i will tell others we slept in a same bed?But nothing happened!if alan found out, how many thousand time we need to die?
Why am I so afraid of him?i care of you or i am still caring him?I don't think i am still thinking of him, but i just don't wish that something bad happend in between you friends, boycott stuff...blah blah blah~~~I don't wana be such a bad girl!Know when to back off sir?

Oh merry X'mas!

Merry X'mas!To my blog!Haha!To me!

So how was this year x'mas eve spent?dinner at home, what a suprise thing happened was, fong hiong ming was invited to this dinner,i don't know from no where this person was invited,haha!Cause all of us were boring, no plan at all.so we both gathered together.

Went out to find fd, cleaning their new house, this is the first time i feel like i am back to my old life, went out till morning only come back home. all the while driving car, fagging, like rocking the highway at kl, this is the first time. I am being myself?.....sigh!

Pool, futsball!wah lau!I need this life?i don't wanna be so normal, wanna be a little extraordinary from the eldest, be a normal as teenagers!why can't I be like that?is good to have a healthy lifestyle?fuck it!is not me at this time!no no no!

crapping all the while with those chu peng gou you!nice!i like this kind of friends, which i will never have any from inti!and guess isn't from the future also!dur....when only i can get this close friends from other gang of ppl?sigh!

Sigh a lot!damn lot!i am not satisfy for what i am right now?

x'mas present!3 little eeoh, piglet and tigger from ah mo and may jie, and also lun lun xavier!thanks to them!i just said it, didn't expect they will buy it!thanks to them a lot!i will hung it everynight!bring to US also!muacks!

Self Improvement needed!

Oh dear!What is happening to me?I am getting so depressed because i kept looking down on myself.Feeling helpless, with the character I am right now!The problems here, i started to realise that i am getting so weak in managing things, i can't do things right, i mean i can't handle things right, come on!Where am I?
Maybe this is me, and i do not know it but now. Keep looking down on myself.Can't speak good english?Weak vocabulary?Can't write an good essay? Keep looking for dictionary even for easy words?Oh gosh!!!
Come on, i need someone to encourage me, to motivate me.Self improve is what I need!I have to do this!
Not blaming ownself for things you did wrong, or things you can't do. In fact, I should find solution to overcome these circumstances.Whatever circumstances!
The coming semester, I know i should do very well, but i don't wanna force myself too much, isn't that good to balance my stress?I don't know if i could do it better.But what i know is, i have the goal i need to achive.That is, to be good in everything!Not comparing with people, is just that i need to overcome myself!Toefl text, i getting so worried, because through the exercise i did on the net, i felt it is a tough task for me to complete!
Piano, when semester reopen, i know i will have a little time to practise.Oh, I shouldn't waste that rm280 do i?motivation!Self motivation is what i need!
But i know myself too well, i know i will just give the blank cheque!From today onwards!I must keep my promise!I got to!Be a better me!

Lifeless!

Nothing happening to talk about?Is been awhile i didn't really write about my feeling, no more feeling?Nothing else to write?Nowadays, i got to think what to blog, compare to last time, no need to think but can blah everything.Not dating nothing to write d?Sigh!
Afraid~~to go back tpg, I don't know why and since when i started to have this feeling.Since i am single?Since i do not belong to tpg this town anymore?I really do not belong to this place?I will start to think nonsense, those feeling, those heartache feeling will come back to me, i will choose not to go back.Can't I let it go?I thought i did.I know i did, i just don't wish to recall those memories!Serious!No NO NO!!
Dur....I am lifeless!Totally!Nothing to write!Don't know what to write!Is that my life?!?!

I miss this!
Why lazy?
Because not hardworking!
Why hungry?
Because not full!

Sick of you!

Kevin, what is so wrong about you?Keep messaging those msg which brings misunderstanding between we both.I don't like giving hope or flirt around with you.Maybe I should apologise because I told you before, I am Flirtable!Sorry!Perhaps I am not!I don't like spending extra time for others.Those I don't care and those just a friend.Be specific!You are the one!Come on, this is not the first time, always like that!I made things clear, and now you come again."Hope that you are here to help me wear my tie"!Dur!Darling la, baby la!That is only the one i love is allow to use those words.Once awhile will be good, when it is too often, I am sick of it!
Ya, i purposely don't want to answer your call last 2 days. Purposely don't want to reply you. Cause i don't know what you are thinking about me. I don't want to give you hallucination!Or maybe if I am too sensitives.I hope I am!But i think i will always good in these, sense about these feeling!The other day, you msg me and tell me that some one is backmail-ing me, saying that i am not a good gf. I don't feel mad at all, in turns, you are the one got provoked!Showing such a big reaction saying that you will protect me la, standing by my side la!Come on!You are silly enough, if you are the one telling me all these, you will be a bad guy instead!Sounds like you are the one creating all those stories to let me think that you are a good person, i should rely on you or something!Dur!!!!If there are really things behind me, there are nothing to do with you. Am i a good gf or not?My future bf will know that!No need you to be worried!so, you said i am protective?towards myself?hell yeah of course!
And this Malcolm, hey silly man!I hate this kind of guy.Showing off enough, action enough, just know how to spend money, he did work. But his character is just not my type.Har!!!!Move away!I don't wish to get involve in any relationship, I am so tired of it!I don't know why I feel like a phobia already, got hurt enough!It is tired to love someone totally new again!I hate it!

Alienated!

Feeling like I am some one that is alienated from the crowd.Or I don't really join them?Here's the thing, people in coll found their friends to hang out with, and I don't.What is the reason?Guess I am the one choosing to avoid them.Didn't join them in activities.....I guess this is the reason!

New semester, can't I be a little more active?Don't be such a paranoid!

I am naive, childish, and brainless!

This would be the day I forget everything about you!No msn, no friendster, no facebook, no phone no!

You are totally gone in my life!WIll never look back!

I guess sometimes break up couple can't be friend, this is the reason!

I am too fussy!annoying!I knew it!

Stand up!

Leaving on the jet plane!

Dreamt about you?do you think that your six sense is that good?Hell yeah no!That is good to be bad!AhHhhh....Trying to make conversation with him huh?Hell NO!I don't need to do that!Is just I don't feel good when I thought things that brought to my dream is threathening me!For sure I hope you are nothing!So what?When again you know that I dreamt about you?ahah!
Here rene!I don't know what kind of feeling I have when looking at you leaving to US.What I have feeling in is because after a year, I will be like you.I don't know how would it be?I like it or I don't....How I wish tomorrow I am the one leaving.....ErM...Perhaps not really!HarHh....Hate the feeling of leaving actually.New place to addapt.Guess I am always the one hardly to addapt to new places....new people!Bless rene!Got to tell me what It is all about US!And, one thing, I have no one to call, to ask how to take bus to where and where!Haha!

Silly motion!

You know what?I always expecting to see you in msn, everytime I on my msn, your nick will be the first for me to check, whether are you online-ing or not.Check your display message how have you been....Guess a little to silly to do all these. But the probelm is, I don't expect to be with you anymore, guess if got second chance, I will choose not to love you, i hope i did not even start to love you in my life.I don't know why I wanna talk to you so badly, yet we both have nothing much to say.I scare if i push too hard, nothing good will happen, guess the bad ones will come. Feeling so hard to act this way, act as if i don't care, but still acting normal to talk to you. I am getting over you, i did didnt i?i have already!I trust myself for that!the problem is, the more i talk to you, the more i feel that you are so cool, too cool....as what you were last time, last time i have faith in you so i trust you,now i am not.no more!
Silly motions!I ain't gonna do it again!

Tell me the reason!!!

Why we both keep letting each one to guess how we feel about each other?
I don't know what kind of weird feeling is this.
Seems undescribeable feeling, makes me feel like we both are so far away right now.
If you say that's me, I don't know what answer I should give you.
Does it help anyway?I feel happy?Feel secure?Not even a little.
I asked it, I expect you won't give me any answer.
You are always the one that can't give me the real and specific answer.
instead of "If I say is you?".Why don't you say:"I mean you!"
Why you still keep protecting yourself?
Am i the one that can't be trusted anymore?
If i mean anything to you, i guess i have a better "position" in your heart.
If i mean anything to you, i guess i need no words from you to comfort me.
Which i will ensure that you are right here waiting for me.
Yet, someone who keep protecting themselves cover themself too much,
they do not let other to know what they are thinking!
I tell you everything, did you share yours?I wonder!

"I need you"
It wouldn't be anything about me anymore isn't?

Life means nothing?

At the age of 88, will you still wish to stay in this world? You are sick, you are alone, nothing much you can do when you staying at home, you don't talk to anyone, you will just keep calling your young grandchild to do things your way! But now, you don't even have the strength to talk to anyone, no energy to shout for your grandchild, not even standing on your own feet.Do you still wish to be alive?

Looking at my grandma, she is sick, real sick, getting old!I knew it!My tears kept dropping when i saw her, it was so different from the last time i saw her.She looks skinny, i can see her bone, just like a skeleton...OMG!I can't imagine that a person can be so weak condition in just 3 months times.That was the last time i've seen her....She can still talk, she can still understand.But now, hardly!

I don't know what we can do for her, wonder if i stay with her in this few months, will she gets well? The doctor said, this is old man sickness, can't cure, malfunction of her kidney, diabetics, can't do much except eating medicine. Ah ma keep saying:"why ppl sick eat medicine can cure, why can't i?". I don't know how to answer her. She makes me feel like she is a kid now. Always merajuk!Sometimes cute, but looking back, I don't wish I am her.

I love her, she is the one taking care of me when mummy was in US. Mummy loves her too, but she can't come back, once she is back, she can't get into US anymore. Furthermore, I can't continue my studies also....Hope ah ma will understand.I do start praying for ah ma, hopefully god will answer my prayer. I know nth much we can do now, yet, may ah ma have a peaceful heart to accept everything, hope she does not afraid, hope she can hold on!

I don't know is it bad to say this, I hope that she doesn't suffer.Not even a little.....Bless you maa...!

Mission

1. At the age of 20-Be smart in studies.....nothing much but US-ma dream!
2. At the age of 24-must graduate from university!Work work work!
3. At the age of 26-I must own a car!Nice car!Not kelisa!
4. At the age of 29-i must own a house!
5. At the age of 30-Is time to get marry.Where is my Mr right??I want ABC!

Saving saving saving!!!Start saving by today!I must not be spendrift!I wanna be a millionaire!I wanna marry a husband who is rich yet love me....Not the one who will find the second wife, not the one who will be at the age of 60 when i am 29.I wanna know ways to enjoy life!Travel to places i love with ma lover!Own a house with my own design!i want someone who knows wine!I want someone who knows to enjoy life as well.I want that life!Give the best to my parents!My best to everyone i love!

I must i must i must!

Our storiessssss

wow....i guess i will spend a long time writing this blog.Hopefully i can mark down everything. everything that happended between we both in the past few months, then i will stop writing things about us anymore!Moving forward!I got to....
I keep thinking things about us, i don't know what is the reason I keep looking back.hate myself, even though in singapore, my mind just can't stop thinking things we had. Careen told me about her long distance relationship with her boy from kl, I don't give any support for her relationship, keep looking bad on her. I guess is a phobia, is a kinda phobia.Which things that do not work for me, I will take that as things that do not work for everyone.
our first day back together, 13th oct 2006.Is been a year losing contact with you, i can't imagine that we will have that chance. I remember you were still working in that what company d?erm...syn!ya!and u were determine kau kau!remember we took a pic in the car, haha...i still keeping it!following you to penang, i was rebellious.just go places i wanna go without informing anyone.is that good?haK!!!
i remember you tell me to study smart not hard before my exam, you draw it on my back.draw a sunflowers, draw "inna" on my hand.which you did it to hui yen as well...hehe!I knew i after my final paper, i straight to pg to find u, shareen fetch me to your place, you were not at home, left me a letter, telling me sweet things....telling me to wait u come back on that night, just to make conversation about our future. How to face my family....
You bought me to a sea side....konon sea side!sneak into the hotel beach side, carrying me to water and wanna dump me in....haK!!!Good!I miss it miss u very much.I was there in pg for few days....don't wish to come back also...haha!
Miss those moment you bring me to sega minum wine, i was drunk...how dare you!treat me in that way, not carrying but pull me on the road....fucker!haha!spash water on my face, ice water....draw my face with my eyeliner!i will remember that!pull me to bathroom and throw me there....asked shareen to spash water together....damn it!I wanna revenge!we still f*** that night....wah lau!i remember you asked me, whether if i still want it when i am drunk.....*laughing*
Hmm.....is january 2007.well, i was working at snk sunway.I remember you came here and visit me, haha.That was really a big shock when i saw a familiar face sitting right infront of my shop, eating baskin robins.....Ouch!Sweet*when you told me u were still on your way, yet u were there looking at me for a while d.N i didn't realise!I was really happy when u make your move to kl and find me.I accompanying you to your syn talk that night, and we cant go home cause it was late, we rent a room in the hotel....the first and the last time in the hotel.
I remember the CNY, that was the most "not CNY" in my life.I don't spend time with family,but with your family....That was damn weird!Staying with you the whole holiday before i back to work. went and visit your relatives instead of mine. We went batu kurau.*spell right*?seeing your uncle....
That was the time i kept asking you, if i fight with my family just to go with u, will you stand by me? if they refuse to give me money, how how how?you told me u will sponser me for ur LB job....you told me you won't like me to depend on you, that is why you want me to stand on my own feet and earn for myself!I don't know what makes me so brave to go against them, and i went to pg and stay with you once i quit the job.
Damn nice staying in pg with you, that was the most wonderful time we had....Although we fought a lot. But we were happy weren't we? I miss it real much....Really really a lot now. We always go to cari makan.I wait you after class....looking at you when you were sleeping, waiting you to wake up to eat.now i rememeber, we once fought cause i waited you till i got gastric....got ppl merajuk, another one keep pujuk-ing....that was what happended to us.....makan-ing at pasar, "chu char", gurney la....sigh!always those places!
remember those big fight we always had....the "greatest" is the one in jati....shoutin at me infront of sun tar and a heng!i thought you will just slap me.then i went to clubbing, just to get over you!can't talk to you whenever we fight, you will always be the stone head, you won't listen, or you won't accept apology....I tried hard to make everything in peace, whenever we fought, i will always trying to settle things by saying sorry. and these will be the moment you asked, how truthfull your sorry is?i will got pissed of, don't know how to make you believe me....Yet, when you are the one suppose to say sorry, i don't make much noise, as long as you know you are wrong, i will try to accept the apology. sometimes you made me struggle a lot. cause i don't know how to settle fights with you!
you told me, you don't know why you will accept me, forgive me when i went clubbing, i went to drink, i was drunk!You spash water on me....then that night you hug me to sleep.....*tears drop*.you showed me how much you love me, you willling to forgive...i know i am rebellious, i am always the one saying break up!and ask you back.you gave me a lot chances, yet....this is the ending of our relationship.15th aug2007.not even a year....we can't hold it on!I don't think we can make it in the future.i appreciate you .... a lot!too much to write!I will cont....


To be continue.....

Good liqueur?!

When you drink, you get high, when you are high, you blah everything!I wonder if everything is truth, I am still the one choosing to believe it or not. Hate to dream about you, I don't wish to dream about you, heartache, I don't know how to describe those feeling, ya, hideous feeling....eventhough me myself also don't know what hideous feeling that makes me feel so bad.
I want to hold on, to you to everything....The relationship btw we both, I am still the one telling you everything, if someday after years? I stop telling you things that I told you now??Will you feel different?maybe saying that i've change?I getting fuck up in you in me in us!maybe it is good if we stop contacting each one, but i don't wish to lose you!suffering now better than i don't even get to know how are you getting along with your life....I am weird, always weird!I hate myself even more!I wish you to be really honest to me, really the one i am for you , the only one you in love wih, you were saying, "you want to know everything about me, wanna know if i am still in love with you, like you are to me....", you said:"you will always wait for me, right here waiting for me!" Do you remember what you were saying ?i bet you forgot!well, you are drunk wert!When you are gone, pieces of my heart are missing you....Wakau!this song just play in the background, suits my feeling huh?

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

"If you are the one fail to go US, I will be the most happiest guy in the world!"

Ouch!It is so sweet to hear that!

Happy birthday to you! Haih. every time writing blog with the same unsolved problem.It is tiring right?I am tired writing the same thing. Well, sometimes it seems so sweet when we both chatting, and you are so sweet to say sweet word. Although is not what good thing, at least I feel comfortable with it. Or maybe you are just lying. Who knows?
Do people say I love you truthfully?Haha, sigh!Why i keep creating these stupid Questions?Why keep making myself thinking of you? Why always dreamt about you? Sigh, I should let you go, take you as friend only.... I am now.I am getting use to it, like what I am now with you!We will be good I think....Lose trust also will be good, can't keep promise also must be good, pretending also can be good.....Right?



Finish Psychology paper today, sigh, now I realize coursework is so important, sigh!I can't score well, 40% final, how much I can get?Blah everything, but I don't know is it all relavant!Hopefully i can score....I don't wish to get CPGA 2.3....I want higher!Bless me!

I ain't that alright!

I realize something now, feeling so different whenever looking at his pic.
He seems like a stranger for me, how close we both used to be, not an inch, but now back to square 1.
Who will understand my feeling? I don't think it is right to email him telling him all these.
Useless, helpless, nothing much can do.
Pretending, hate pretend to be like nothing, sometimes, distraction helps alot.
Distract me from thinking him, seeing him. It could probably makes me feel nothing.
Yet, it can't hold on. pretend to be nice to him? be good to him? be polite to him? mad yet i need to act like nothing? angry for things he said but I have to take those as a joke? telling haha, or ekek or jk?
can't see him with those around him. Humiliating me! Serious, yet, what can I do?pretend to be good, that is what I can do isn't?
With those word, those message, those testi he wrote, and he told me he is not really in love. How to believe? I guess I need not to believe him either. It is all over isn't? Those he said, I can take it as blah blah blah!
Or him want to tell me, he is pretending to be in love?LOL!I can't convince myself to believe these, those promises he made no longer exist! gone !FaithleSsssssss....What I can do is just let it all sway away!Am i right am i right?
No guys can be trusted!
yup, you are the only one i allowed you to read my post, but i am not purposely write this to you. Don't read it!

yup, here again twice a day!
fundamental attribution error! can i apply it here?
Don't judge book by its cover, true!
Whatever things you see, you listen, do not give you the real story behind.
Why do you wanna get so upset when things are not the way you want it?
Why do you wanna get so freak out when you see something you belongs no longer yours?
Why do you wanna get to piss off when you see people having their happy pictures around without you?
Not just personalities, the enviroments~~~It might not like the way you think.
Humanistic approach!People will try to gain self-actualization, and give others the thought that they are in the good condition.Yet, it could be a lie!
That I will be good!Even if I am nothing!

是什么理由可以让我继续守着我们的承诺?
是什么理由可以让我继续怀念我们的过去呢?
你不曾记得我们的一切,好像很奇怪的感 觉。
当局者迷，很有道理。
不和你在一 起，我看得更多，看得更开，不是好事吗?
从你的背阴，我看到我不想要的男生，
也看到我希望有的男生。
为有把思念当做乐趣，怀念当做享受，
从中学习，一切会更美好。

Why am I so indecisive?

I hate myself for being so useless!

No future plan?

Everything has to wait for others to tell me what to do?!?

Use your brain use your brain!!!!Nicole SUN!

You should set your goal a.s.a.p

You should know what you want in the future!

Tell people what you want, not people tell you what you need!

Wake up!Stand up!Shut up!Fuck UP!!!

For you, alonso!

Most probably you will be reading this, cause you are the only one i allowed to read my private blog. Have been a long time i didn't post anything here, i have nothing to write. Come on, since when you will see me running out of issue to blog when i was with you right? So indirectly you know how am I now, don't you?

I am so surprise that you will email me those, I am happy, between sad too. Happy in the sense that, I am still in your mind, sad that is, I located in your heart, but no commitment, no intimacy, no passion, no love. I am getting use to it, I don't know what to do.Instead of being sad, why can't I live happily?

I am so proud of our relationship now, when I tell people, I have gave you up, and started to be like a best friend with you, people thought I am lying. I am so tired explaining to them that I am ok, so I will just tell them, I know what I am thinking, what I am now. Macam the old alan, he doesn't care how people look at him, he will just do things the way he wants. As long as he knows what he is doing, he need not to explain to others and ask them to trust him. Even his gf, for instance, the last time me!I struggle very hard to trust you, and you got me. you don't explain things to make me trust you, you will just leave things for me to choose whether to trust it or not. Which i think that is a very good way to manipulate people.

I wish to call you Bee, but I don't know if i have the chance in the future. Asking you to break the promise, because I don't want both of us to get hurt, this is the way to defense ourself from being hurt, it is the best way isn't ? Breaking the promise, doesn't mean that we have no chance, or if we have it, depends what we gonna be in the future. That is why I am asking you to do so. You got what i am trying to say don't you? You are smart, always.

Ya, jerk, bastard!That is what I always use to name you, that is the moment i hate you!But now i think we both are cool don't we? Once i listen to Gwen stefani song's- cool!i think of you, and your gf, and me, hanging out together. Once i listen to the song-4 in the morning, i thought of you, we fought, and that was the time I on my way to kl. you scold me i gone crazy, drop me at bus station and just left, I waited bus alone for hours because no ticket. Too many songs on my head, which i will always relate them to you. Oasis-don't look back in anger, stand by me.....wakau!the most i remember, home-----when we were on our way to butterworth.wakau, too many memories to keep. I want to write it all down, I don't wanna forget it. I wanna keep all in my life diary.

Oh dear, is that what we missed? memories or love? That is what i struggle the most, to choose how to let things go. I love hard, may not love right. so do you! But i wish i love right, i can't figure it out still. But memories play a big role,which confuse us is that about love or it is not right? You will be cool, I don't know why am i being so optimistic now. I thought i am not!And I don't know what am I talking. it is hard for me to type all these, I got to be rational!instead of falling apart again!I know i can't fall.

HeRmmm....I don't know if you can see this not, the gallery of our pic, If you have any, send it to me k?http://www.kodakgallery.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?&collid=69444691312.22132206412.1193157095850&page=1&sort_order=0&navfolderid=0&folderid=0&ownerid=0

Read it, i don't wanna send it to your mail, is just a thought from me, you can choose not to read. but if you did, leave a comment k?let me know you know what is in my thought, what am i trying to say.Take care bee!

With love,
-nic-

It just doesn't seems right!

Do people feel sad when they are taking picture with a smilling face? Do people mean things they said? Do people keep their promises when they force to make it? Do they really love their ex when they holding in arms is with someone else? Do they ask you to keep your promise before they keep theirs? I don't know what kind of feeling when I am talking to you, I mean email-ing. It seems so right? So logic? So I can take it? So understanding I am? I was like missing the feeling of having you? Or missing the feeling of your appearance? I don't know if I am actually taking hard to let you go because of memories, or because of I still love you? Can people being so cool when seeing the one they love holding another one? I don't know why I seems like, I am not jealous, and I still hoping to get you back. But once I have let you go, I will not turn back, because you are a sucks guy to my family.Even you will be a sucks jerk when you are with me....What is the purpose? And i don't know why am I telling you that I will still keep my promise, i hope things change as in you will be a better one. And i don't know if I can take you as who you were after years, that is true....You love me, yet you wanna hurt me in this way~Show me you love me by not touching any girls, then I think I will keep you as my darling forever~I gave up!

I will not fall apart again!

Finally, I have sent you an email, I don't know what I am thinking is good or bad, to get rid for the feeling of missing you, I should learn to accept the who you gonna be, I prefer to understand you, knowing how are you getting on with the new life, rather than getting news from others. Didn't expect that you still remember the promise we both have made, I feel like crying, I don't know isn't working or not, the feeling is like, I am giving away something that is not 100% coming back to me, and you are asking me to keep the promise. What if everything changed?Human are selfish aren't they? They learned to protect themselves from being hurt, like you. What you did was just protecting yourself.It makes no difference. I know there are no more chances between us, and I will not giving us any. I got to....I don't know. Once I let you go, I know I am forever losing you. No point asking you back anymore. I can't take it as in you are fucking around with others, if you really want me back, this is not a barrier for us. But you have already choose it, no more return. Hope that you will be good, in turns, should be I have to be good. Seems like I am the one not living good. I dreamt about you anyway, guess is because I think of you too often, have to stop it.I have to take you just only friend, nothing beyond than this!
Poor English, how to improve it??!???!???My grammar messing here and there!FUCK!I don't know what happened, will I fail my ENL?holly shit!That will be the most horrific thing happen to me if I really fail it!

Who moved my cheese?

It is so happen that I did read this book with the weird title,"who moved my cheese?" I don't know why I like this book so much, where I managed to read it within an hour, I kinda finish it and get to know what this book's all about.Change, everyone must know to change to be a better person,so do I!Don't be afraid changes around you, if you don't change when everything is changing, you will not know things around you are improving or vice-versa.The earlier you get away the old cheese, the sooner you will get the new cheese. I like this sentence, it gave me a lot of inspiration to improve myself.
I am kinda down right now, getting up set because of my ENL assignment, a lot mistake made, I don't know since when I became so weak in english, or maybe I did not improved in the past.How to enhance it? I must succeed in my studies, I shouldn't become so bad. I know I am getting so bad right now. Give me the strenght to do the good ones, and against the bad ones.Weekend, I love it, where I know I will not sleep so early, and I enjoy doing my things slowly. Must study my dear~You are dropping!Must maintain good one!Fear!!!Certain fear is good, which it will help you to find changes instead of standing at the same place, move on with new life. I know I am, I just don't know which way I am heading to. If fail, learn from mistake and walk again!Although it sounds so.....Dramatic, but it is true!Move on Move on!

Get your ass up!!

SUN SIEW DIN!Don't feel bad about yourself!!!Yours haven't come, doesn't mean you are not good!He doesn't know how to appreciate you, is his weakness!!Stop looking down on yourself!I know i am greaT!!I will have a great personalities, stop comparing and start saying myself embarass myself!I know i will be good!

So fuck!

What the fuck?Staying home alone on saturday night?I wanna get rock, wanna go clubbing, wanna take fag, wanna be bad, wanna drink wanna indulge myself!!!!Fuck, i am lock out in this house!!!Fuck!!! I wanna release!I wanna fly....
Damn shit!went out and get fag, what a me huh?Since when getting so kuai?I have no idea why i acting like a good girl right now?I wanna get wildd!!!
Holyshit!!!How to settle down right now?I don't feel like sleeping nor resting, just dont wanna stay home!No mood studying, and how am i gonna take the mid term man?I am giving up right now!Serious!!!!Sometimes after straighten myself too long, i need a day to release!!!!fuck up!!!

The weird ME!

Getting fed up with this bastard!The more he act as a jerk, the more I think he is such a gentleman!I will start thinking why the hell on earth I treated him so good.And he can't do me a little favour!?!But now he is nothing at all!Fucker I can use to describe him.He is worthless for anyone to appreciate him!
Sometimes quite, sometimes crazy, sometimes seems like thinking, sometimes seems like angry!!!Why am I acting so weird? Seems like I don't get along with them huh?
Come on, I wanna be good!I will, I just hate my csc class!Beh tahan with some weirdo!They are more weird than me, why on earth I am mixing with these people?Dur!!!
More people are coming after me, of course not after me for relationship, but, as counsellor!Sigh!I hate these!I hate listening to people's love stories, people's problem.I will start thinking, no more love can be trusted!No more love is worth for people to love anymore!No more long lasting relationship!It won't be mine some how!!!I don't want it to happen again!No faith!all please go away!

New Inspiration!

Come one girl, look forward, the sun will shine!!!As what the who who philosophy, always look forward for the bright sun to shine, the dark and cloudy sky will fade away! And, you are the sun shine!
Don't think of loneliness, don't think of emptyness, don't think of comparison, don't think of winning! Think of things you want to win just for yourself, not winning the others.
You have your own life, and the future will be better. Tommorow will always the best. And you will never look back in anger, learn from the mistake and stand up again! I did it once, I can do it the second time. I am tough though. Don't be a weirdo! Behave!Control yourself from doing stupid things.
Don't get jealous over people, you got your own life, and so do people. That is why you can't compare after all. You will have your own in the future, is just right now, isn't the time. No worries and be happy!
The new inspriration, enjoy life, without ignoring the books. Although you are not the bookworms, but, you need book for the better life!Wake up wake up!Always think that you are the best, not him!not everyone!

Weirdo!

I was like!!!CREEP!
I don't know why I just can't take it.
Can't look at the picture of him.
Can't do things that related to him.
My heart will get pain.
Seriously, I don't know the reason.
I am fuck!
Stop viewing the friendster,
then I won't see him!!
Damn it!
Look at his friend,
I think of him.
Look at words he uses often,
I thought of him.
I need a BF!!!
To stop me from thinking of him!!!
It is all nonsense!

Getting use to be single...

Getting use to this new life, the single me, everyday. I was in a very good mood to write a blog last night, but time doesn't allowed me. But right now, my mind is just blank. I can't recall what I wanted to say.

It is not easy to stand up, I was all the while doing very good, till that day I message this jerk, concern about the earthquake?That is so so so ACTING??No, I am just concerning, I hope I am not doing too over.Is just an email. But I start thinking of him, thinking things not related to any "getting back" together issues. My heart is gone!For everyone, not even for myself. And I didn't aspect I will see Keith and roy, they have gave me a shocked. They brought back those memories. I was just thinking, I will just hang out with them whenever he is around, and now, I feel so different where I can't hang out with them, if I did, I will feel weird. Cause he is not there.

I should have my own network, my own friends. Where all these people? Staying in INTI almost 3 weeks, I don't really click with anyone. That makes me feel like I am alienated. I guess part of the reason is because I don't mix around. And I could hardly mix around also. Where is the real SUN SIEW DIN anyway? Now becoming so anti-social.Tired of meeting new people?Tired making new friends?Dur.....Where are those same channel people?I just don't click.They are active in school society, which I will think that are all wasting time programs. I hope this will be just the first semester syndrome,I will get along with new friends better in some day. I guess I can....And please, I don't know why I giving myself so many stress now, I am not kia shu, I am not fighting with anyone. I making all these as my goal, and I hope I can hit my goal. Please Please Please!!!YOU THINK YOU CAN,YOU CAN!!!!

Changing new hair styles because some one said you looked old?Damn it!!!I need self confident, which I think I do not have it~Making me keep comparing with others, and I just can't stop looking at them, and looking back at me myself.

Getting use to be single, in relationship of course, even in myself....from friends!

Busy Busy Busy?

Ooo,this will be the first post I've ever posted after the new beginning of my life, the so call college life. It is really screwing me up. Although is just the second week, I started to feel the scenario I've gone through in my form 6 life. Getting stress, where I feel that I can't really pay 100% full attention in class, which led to- I need to spend more time study on my own, and this really giving me too much, as I do hope I can do very good, not just pass and bye. Scholarship, that is my target!! Don't burden family too much! But somehow, I hope I don't make a wrong step taking 3 subjects here, the time table is pack, the assignment is a lot. Coming Coming Coming!!! Oh gosh!Please don't put me down!

Last few days, I realised something, about Jie and the 3 in US. She was so excited to talk to them, but compare to me, I am far more left behind, She will spend time chatting with them without saying tired, but I will spend time saying:" ok lah, stop here!" Look!! It is just so different, which I can see that, I am not close with them at all. What makes the different? Age? Or distance? Or times we used to spend together were different? When she asked:"why you have nothing to say with them?"and I wish I could answer I have!I just don't know why!

What's feeling?Exciting?Expecting?I ain't in that mood!But right now,I am thinking.Erm.....Just the feeling of wondering,I am no longer having holiday!

I thought of HIM

Cool things here,I thought of him.For the reason of why I am not missing him at the moment..now,and forever!I can't recall anything at all.Guess I am having a new life started,with mysterious people around me,cheering me up.I don't know who is that.GOD?Is just,I never thought of being so cool before.Abang Kev find me,and I crap a lot HUMAN philoshopy to him,that makes him changed his thought.Since when I become so mature?I didn't realise it.Being too optimistic right now,I told him we should think of things like future instead of love,at our age.And what I did said was,I took those as puppy love,although I love hard,doesn't mean I love right.I am not really in love.We didn't FAIL!WOW!!Is that true?I kinda agree it.And I can't imagine I am saying it.
I need no counsellor to advise me,hey,Kev woke me up once,and I don't feel like I am falling,didn't fell down at all.Am I trying to protect myself?No,it is the fact,I am not lying.Stop asking about how's the wound is,it is fully heal.

Here,stand up and walk again,we having a long way to run still.Don't give up dude!Is special for you.Empty in soul?I will be the soul fill-ter!Need strength?I offer mine.Need shoulder?You can lean on me.Need a hand?Hold me tight.This is what friend is for right brother?!!Chill chill!

Different stage!

When you are 12,you say:"shall I go with this guy?Haiya,just fooling around.I guess is okay."
When you are 14,you say:"Everyone has a boyfriend,I might have one."
When you are 16,you say:"I finally found my true love,I want to be with him for the rest of my life."
When you are 18,you say:"Why everyone is changing but not me?I am still sticking to the old me,the old town,and the old life!"
When you are 20,you say:"I need an exposure!"

With a so call "What a future!"You don't know your plan,don't know where you will settle down yourself.You wish you could be an ordinary person,or you wish to have an exposure life???Staying oversea?Away from your motherland?You love it?Or maybe you don't?

I wish I am an ordinary person when I have great memories to keep in this place.But now I wish I am not an ordinary person when something bad happens here.This is human,philosophy.
Definition of ordinary---What says you?

Why I keep proving to everyone that I am ok?

Unpredictable!

One day one post?Nah,it won't happen that rapidly after some times.Maybe now I am so emo huh?!?Just too much thing I kept inside should be hide it up!Where by another word of forgetting it.


I feeling ain't right about something,but I can't describe about it.Just weird,I hope dcm can tell me what am I thinking.She is always there telling me."Re-group" my thought before it comes "messy".Dreamt about a lot nonsense dream.I want to get rid of it.


Do you ever getting fed up on messaging people,but he/she didn't reply you?Is like you are trying to ask back the things belong to you,but he/she didn't respond on you.The big problem is,I don't even feeling to talk to this person,in my life.I swear~~I guess is this the first time I feel this way?If yes,that will be good.A sign of changing.Now is like a time i keep persuade myself,don't care about those "tipsy tipsy"things.Forget about it.I am doing it,just take it like,I lost it.Even the friend of mine,just asking a little help from her also so hard.She is no longer my friend.Won't place her in between anymore!


But I have another feeling of relief!!!That I did felt it last time,a i threw it away..But now coming back to me.I am glad!Thanks!To everyone,to kev,You being such a good friend for me to lay on.3Q-bb!!Haha!


Learn from mistake?!!??I thought of this Question,some one did asked me before.

Learned that I trust people so easily.Careen scolded me for that,sometimes can describe as so "naive".

Maybe I think not much.I don't try to judge everyone as a bad guy in the first place.I thought everyone is like this.Not good in protecting myself.I rather get hurt than I hurting people.For those I care.Sounds silly?

No rehaB!

"You try to bring me go to rehaB but i say no no no!"

No rehaB,cause I am okay!So cheap to ask back the perfume ?Nah,it doesn't suit him at all.Is too worthless to treat someone that good.We are enemy!!!Wakau,is so childish!Well,I am just doing too good,and nearly forgot what was happening last night,maybe from the beginning,I don't feel lost at all.

If you need to send me to rehabilitation,that will be the moment I am with someone and even losing my mind,but now,I am cool.Never better than now.

Ha!!!Someone is hiding something!People didn't show they are sad doesn't mean they are happie.Is true,cause this planet,there are a lot people like this,happy go lucky type.And others will just thought why these people have no things to worry about,everyday just smiling all the way,laughing all the time.In fact,these people cry every night under the blanket.For sake of,nobody knows about it!

I used to be like one of these people,my sister agreed.If I really crying in front of her,she will know it,I am so "hiding something" behind them.Problems all around me.But right now,I guess I won't want to be like these people.But I am born to be like this.When I laugh,I forget things.Is not something bad right?

But you have to know to control,or else,you are going to rehaB for unable to control your feeling,your emotion!-and JESUS said:"funny doesn't mean you must laugh!"-Funny not laughing what should we do?

Leann Chong!You are killing me with your cute smile,I love you!Muacks!

Sometimes i hate blogging!

I have no idea what kinda feeling am I having right now.I gave this guy a chance to hurt me!
Once broke up,all I do is just open up my lappy,deleting every post I wrote in the past few months,is all about him.can someone just tell me what I am now?
I started to hate him,is that what a breaking-up couple should behave?he is using me,too much,and he is not worth for me to treat him so well.I knew it too well!
No trust,no commitment,no contentment,no nothing from my listed post.That means no meaning to stay in the relationship.I will be good,I will promise!

The rush hour 3!

The rush hour 3!!
Is a review for this kinda comedy movie by Jacky Chan!Some one who he dreamt to be!-aL-
Supposingly I should have watch it yesterday,but I told the friend today tuesday will be the lady day,so cinema will be selling cheaper ticket for gurls.Manatau,tak jadi!I've made the mistake,Sue said is just only for TGV,not GSC.What a.....Nevermind,if I would have my student card,it gotta be cheap for the coming movie.
I guess this movie is just for laughing.Is not what meaningful or touching movie.But if you are asking me to write a review about it,I have nothing much to say.It is just funny.And I like the bold head lady."Geeneneniew"Arhh...I don't know how to spell it.Kesian some one gotta watch it alone in penang!But frankly,although I am watching with friends,I will feel like watching alone too.

Life isn't all about love

Don't misread me,I am not those who needs love that much.Yes,life isn't all about love,but with love,life can be more meaningful.Again,what love that I'm talking about isn't just between couple,is the love between family and friends too.

I am glad people will spend time reading my craps,once again thanks a lot.Just do drop some comment sometimes,let me know how you think about it.And,lust isn't just about sex of course,i do wrote about feeling of enjoyment didn't I?Not just about SEX dude!

But sometimes,people will take things from granted.First of all,I will be the one judging myself here.Taking family love from granted.But I still doing nothing.What's in my mind,maybe they are over-reacting about my behaviour.How can I tell them,I will be just fine?I don't know how to talk to them!

LOVE

Lo Lo Lo VE!!!Song from Simpson?What is this all about?For what i post today,is what inspiration i got it from the newspaper last night."you had me at hello...sigh".For sure is not copy writing,is just posting my thought!Sharing here!

"love",the one small word,stand for hodgepodge of feelings and drives: lust, romance, passion, attachment, commitment and contentment.---The Star says!Advertising this newspaper?Wakaka....Ok, The meaning of love,isn't clear enough right here?

Lust--Strong sexual desire,feeling of enjoyment.So what does this do with the love we meant??Sexual desire,one thing,enjoying the moment a couple spent together?Or maybe a mother and a daughter?

Romance--showing feelings of love in a very strong emotional way.I guess this has something to do with couples,how they use the romantic ways to show love to each other.How come i do not have it?Arhhh....sigh!

Passion--a very strong feeling about something,sexual desire or love??A friend of mine told me,:"you love him because of the feeling of love or you are just passionate about him?".It is doubt,I still can't differentiate what passion to link with love?And maybe it does not connected at all.What says you?

Attachment--to connect yourself with somebody else.Which means what ever things your Love's one facing,you should be right there by his/her side.Isn't what it meant?Your another you is your lover's one.Even though the family,the friends,everything.You have to be connected with.

Commitment--I have a deep passion it this.If someone just tell you,he won't put too much commitment in the relationship.Cause he kinda defensive,he just wanna protect himself from being hurt,is that call love anymore?Commitment between a relationship meant a lot,is a kind of promises you made,to support someone,even the family members here.

And last but not least,Contentment--a feeling of happiness or satisfaction.People,you must learn to appreciate things you have.Like the earlier post i wrote about satisfaction,is related.

I having a great enthusiasm to write about these.Review from my family right now,a mother,she has to go to Macau for a working trip,misses her cute little nine months old baby here,she was having a strong deep feeling before she departs to KLIA.Although is just a week time.But I have no idea how this baby behave if the mother isn't here.I don't really know that kind of feeling,but this mother tells me,when i become a baby's mama,I will know the feeling.Will it be like a husband misses his wife?Or a boyfriend misses his girlfriend?

Looking at the baby,I don't know how will she get use to it when the mummy isn't beside her when she is sleeping at night.She is so sick right now,mummy just left this morning,and she is getting sick.Hoping she will be fine,I don't wish to see her crying for mummy.Poor Leann!

Now,review from my side.--Her front brain is telling her he's trouble.He's never made a commitment,he starts to drink,he doesn't has a high hope in achivement.But in her middle brain won't listen,he's cute even he's ego.He's smart even he doesn't do much reading.He's neat even he didn't do any cleaning.No shaving!He's so bad when he's touching fag,he's still good.Are these same as man's thought?Give me some comment guys!!

HOW these process moving?First,sparks between two opposite sex human.Next comes the infatuation of romance-the chemistry is working out...a fast feeling.But it isn't about love?And people will stay on for months,after that?started to fight,to get the right you hold on for years.Fight back for your own pride.Following with?If both can't negotiate,next we come with breaking up.Right?I guess we have to learn how to talk,left behind the ego-ness you have,listen to people,start to think and figure out,are those reasons worth it for you to reconsider again.And stop saying break up which always happened between couples.Or stop hurting some one's heart like parents to daughter.Or vice-verse.

At the age of 20,it considers young aren't we?passion and hope are so strong that's it is almost impossible for you to fall in love,to stop loving someone.---says the star.I feel so right about this,is just the passion.The passionate love!The joyful part of your life with someone.You got it wrong when he just spend the time having fun with you,not be right by your side when you are having troubles.

Give some comment!

Commitment!!

Can some one clarify me what is commitment?If some one you love tells you,"I dare not put too much commitment on us",what does that suppose to be??Kinda hurt if you got that don't you feel so?At the age of 20,I guess I am a little too young to see what future I have,a bright one or I'll choose the dark side?All depend of how we judge things.How good if there is a machine here for us to view our future.Scientist,do your work!!Jajaja!
Learn not to commit to someone that is far away from you,where you can't see your future in the next ten years.Is a way to defend ownself isn't?

Satisfaction~~

Guys,here is the thing,do you ever complain about your life?The imperfection of your life,the things that do not satisfy you.The place you stay not really the way you want?The food you are eating is not the taste you want it to be?The school you attending isn't the scene you want?The guy sleeping beside you but you have no idea why you like him?Keep complaining,this is me!I will start complaining but i still having him beside me.Hate the things he did,but he is still the one I sharing secret with.Kinda weird?Do human really know what is the limit of satisfaction?Do these really satisfied them?
I appreciate those people who knows the level of satisfaction.I mean,is a way to find happiness isn't?Since you are not complaining much,you will stop to compare,stop thinking,why things are like that?Why things aren't like that??I like complaining,i don't why i will keep thinking things that should be but not the things that are already like that.I should learn how to accept things isn't?
The things i am not satisfied with,the guy I love,he has his weakness,so what?I still be with him for almost 5 years isn't?But in these years,i complained things non-stop.I feel unhappy.Not even a happie day after all....I hate myself for one thing,since I am not satisfy for this,why i can't let it go right?So right now,I learn to appreciate things i had.Everything,no more "complaination".Wakau,nice!!!New blog to share here?Ya,this will be the public one!!!!For you guys!This will be the one i write all about my life!My thinking,nothing private to share here
Daily routine?Fuyoh!!!Abby told me to wrote that,but,i will see how!i just wanna share some thought here!