IDIOT!SAN!

I'm not sure should I tell you these, but I guess it is better to email you, somehow, I don't know when is the day. Am I getting too emo today? Or there are really things in my head that made me treat you in such a way?
Reading back the blog i posted last few days, compare to now, I don't know why the feeling is totally different. From the so call "trying you out", to "giving you up"! I guess during the time I told you I wanna break up, I did tell you I don't mind Alan get mad on us. Actually I do, I know I'm silly, I feel like going back with him, if we have the chance. I don't know why I will have this feeling. Maybe i started to compare you and him, which I know I shouldn't. You can consider as the 2nd bf of mine, I think I need to learn stop comparing with the previous bf i had. But first love to me is really deep in my mind. I can remember every single things in my head, but I can't recall anything about us before we both started. He-aL still in my mind of course. Is just that I know I need to give him up.supressing this feeling.
We both are from different world, do you think as what I'm thinking?Whatever you said, you can't make me feel extremely happy, I don't really feel happy, I laugh or smile, is just a way to express, reply to you. It doesn't mean you are really making me happy. Indirectly, can I say it as insecure?
Second, I'm a talkactive person in the crowd, but you are always the one remain silence. I can't get use to this kind of bf, he can't share jokes around with friends when the gf is around. But when we both are one to one, you start crapping which irritates me a lot. I just dare not to hurt you.I don't know how you classify as childish. Maybe your defination and mine is totally different.
Third, I like doing things fast, and you are way too slow. I can't recall how many times i spent to wait for you. Driving, bathing, etc!Ok, maybe I shouldn't say it like that. In other words, I should tell you that, I'm kinda like selfish, I wanna make use of my time, according to the plan i have already set before everything.
What is so wrong with me? Or I really can't commit myself into any relationship yet? Ah mo is true, the one treating you good, doesn't mean the one you love the most. I fall to you because you are treating me so good, and it has no harm to be with you. But we both just can't click do we? Maybe you think that we are, but i'm just......I don't have the feeling of falling in love with you! My heart don't pump fast when i see you, i don't feeling to see you although after days we didn't meet. When i'm with you i feel like going home. WHAT THE FUCK NICOLE SUN SIEW DIN!